Trump: Welcome to the first meeting of the world famous trump corona virus task force. Even though I know more than anybody about this thing, I mean you can’t even see the damn thing, so who know if it even exists, probably not. But many people really, really wanted to get on in this deal so my son in law, jared, pushed me to act presidential and just let a few folks in on it, even though I don’t need any advice, especially from those stupid science nerds. You should be really proud to be helping me get through this so the stock markets don’t tank any more. It’s terrific to have all of you hot babes and guys here to uh, sort of, you know figure out what the heck this thing is, if it’s even real, which I doubt. Me and my advisors are pretty damn sure that this whole virus business is just a hoax or a probably a plot by the democrats to make me lose the election. I mean how low can those commies go, killing lots of people, just to get me out of office. Pathetic and sad.
Before we start solving this thing, which I hope will probably take about 20 minutes, tops, because it’s eating into my executive time which is not a good thing, in fact it’s a very, very bad thing. So let’s get going, put on your thinking caps, and start pouring cold water on this hot mess. As you know, I have appointed my vp mike pence to head this. There are a bunch of reasons I did this, he prayed really hard back in indiana to stop the hiv aids and opioid thing. He prayed for more than a month, and boy can he pray, you should see it. Unfortunately, his amazing praying didn’t stop it so he set up a needle deal so those faggot dope fiends didn’t share their needles and screw up other people. Of course, if you hang around with bad dudes, you kind of deserve what you get, and lots more people died while mike was praying his ass off. But that was a very good thing because it got rid of a whole lot of low lifes that didn’t deserve to be in a great state like indiana anyway. Plus if things go sideways, he’s the fall guy.
Before we get this thing going I’d like you to introduce yourselves. So, let’s start with the sizzling hottie to my right.
Hi y’all, my name is tiffany talbot, I am super excited to be here. I am a sophomore at ole miss so I was pretty surprised to get a call from mr pence asking me to be on the team. I am doing a double major in kinesthesiology, I know that’s a real big word but it means I am studying how people move, it’s super cool and lots of fun, and also art. I like to draw so that’s good. I am also on the cheerleading squad which takes a lot of time but is so worth it. It keeps me in really good shape and everyone is super nice. I think I can help, showing how people can move to stay healthy. Art is important, especially when you’re sick and in bed and feeling down.
Hey guys, my name is brad bradley and I work in the maintenance department of the cdc. I graduated from sinclair community college and was totally blown away when mr pence called me and asked if I could be part of this space force. I see a lot of doctors and nurses in the halls when I am on my way to fix the air conditioning or plumbing or something and they look really cool, and serious. My boss was totally understanding about taking time off even though he told me that I have to use all of my sick and vacation days and when they are used up I won’t get paid. So let’s get this rocket ship off the ground and cure this crona thing fast because I am super psyched to go to destin for spring break. Woo hoo!
Good morning, my name is frank williams and I worked in the infectious disease and world global threat department at the nsa until 2015 when our entire team was let go. I have an undergraduate degree from harvard in microbiology and a masters and phd in public health and epidemiology from johns hopkins. Under president obama we were very prepared…
Trump interrupts telling frank to quit bragging, whispers to pence that he should have screened this guy and he’s not happy, and that we need to keep the meeting moving…a few more introductions follow then mr trump turns the meeting over to mike pence who, as always was sitting staring stoically at the back of trump’s hairdo looking like he’s passing a kidney stone.
Pence: Well, I thank you, and your country thanks you for stepping up to work on this task force. Before we get started, please review the agenda. As you see, we have slotted in 15 minutes for group prayer so please join hands and bow your heads.
Dear god, please perform a miracle, as foretold by our president, and make this thing go away. We have no idea what we’re doing, which has been successful these past few years, but now we need a little divine intervention. Lord, I know you are busy, well aren’t we all, and everyone’s wanting you to help them but this situation seems worse than the kavanaugh thing (and btw thanks for really coming through for us with that shit show) so if you could pencil in a bit of time to knock this virus out that would be so great. And just so you know, if a million people in china, south korea or iran die we are okay with that. Thanks loads. Amen.
my jaundiced eye 