The OB&C and MJE, like human glaciers are inexorably crumbling toward our “past due” dates. As my readers may remember, we have a home in Ancient Oaks, a community for overactive seniors. It’s located in the “low country” of the usa, which means most of it is below sea level and will be under water within a few years, but what do we care, we’ll be even further below sea level by then. AO offers every sort of activity or “amenity” that anyone of any age could want. MJE eschews participation in organized activities unless I am the one doing the organizing. In point of fact, I find sitting inside by myself, drinking a nice white bourdeaux, with the occasional interruption by the OB&C to be the perfect day. MJE is obviously a rather unsophisticated elderly person, as I always thought of amenities as the little bottles of shampoo and body lotion you swipe from a hotel, but it is apparently a far broader category than I imagined, and a very big deal when hawking an old folks place.
The OB&C’s younger brother jank and his wife marmalade have just chosen their very own final nesting place, in a cob webb planned community in cheese whiz, texas. It is promoted as a 55+ colony, although plus what is left to the imagination of the buyer. They want to have a place closer to their son jank jr. and their first grandchild, lil janky. Jank jr.’s wife, gelatina, has all the trademark traits of a fertile brood mare and is in fact about to deliver another foal. They’ll have a barnful of young uns on their hands before long, yee haw.
Jank and marmalade’s new homestead is in a planned codger town called echo chambers creek which, according to their promotional materials is both active and “amenitized,” which I didn’t know was a verb, but offers “resort style” amenities and a full time “lifestyle coordinator.” It seems to me that by the time you are 55+ you already have a pretty good idea about what your lifestyle is, but for those who have resisted committing, there is someone there to decide for you. Among the resort style amenities, there is a nine hole golf course (half a golf course does not scream resort to me, but it’s probably plenty for the average +), a marina on a lagoon, a vineyard of their exclusive “crimson cobernet” grapes, a dog park, lots of safely paved trails that are easily maneuvered with a walker, an electric jitney or a golf cart, and of course pickle ball courts to literally die for.
Echo chambers creek makes most of your important decisions for you so that you can just sit back and enjoy your internment. It limits the housing designs to five approved layouts in either their “scenic series”, or the “distinctive series”: Alpine, which is counter intuitive since it sits in the hottest and flattest landscape imaginable, Pulmonary, an excellent choice for those who require supplemental oxygen, Hallmark, for the romantics among us, Compass, for those who have difficulty remembering where they live and finally Prestige, for those who haven’t quite given up on the notion that they are richer and more successful than their neighbors 20′ away. Jank and marmalade chose a model called ‘deadly nightshade’, so named for the somewhat limited protection from the oppressive heat and scalding sun provided by the three 20′ ilex vomitoria, colloquially known as yaupon, or cheap junk trees gracing the lot line.
The layout of the housing plan is a dizzying series of winding streets with names like vista ridge court, which like Alpine is flat as a pancake and the nearest ridge is in arkansas, and monarch cove, which must be the high rent district where the Prestige homes are located but is miles from the nearest quazi-natural body of water, also in arkansas, all ending in inescapable cul de sacs. Residents are provided with residence locator devices, part of the resort style amenities package no doubt, otherwise god knows who would end up where and with whom…in fact statistics show the highest incidence of std’s is in retirement facilities! Geezers gone wild.
I am impressed by the number of ways that echo chambers creek promoters have been able to reduce unwanted input from future homeowners. They offer for sale all of the furniture in their model homes to simplify any personal decorating decisions one may foolishly consider making. They also offer their own mortgage options, as “completing mortgage applications can be confusing”. They highly encourage virtual home buying, however should you insist on actually being present, they do offer four opportunities to do so: 1. an introduction to your construction manager, 2. a pre-closing tour of your prospective new home, 3. a pre-drywall walk through and 4. CELEBRATION! after your home is complete and before it starts to fall apart. Does anyone really need anything more? Cob webb suggests not, having decades of experience throwing up ticky tack houses in record time, without the unwelcome and costly interruptions of prospective residents.
Jank proudly pointed out that is is a gated community, which might be impressive to elderly bougies who just fell off the turnip truck but not to the connoisseur codgers among us. Gates do not even begin to cut the artisanal dijon mustard these days. True upscale communities require far more elaborate and impressive security measures. Moats are now la mode, alligators are an optional upgrade, but truth be told they are a must to attract the discerning senior prospect.