Ahhh, every american’s dream european vacation, one that you can brag about when you get home and amaze your friends with the sheer number of countries that you visited, all without having to set one foot onto foreign soil, eat unfamiliar food, struggle to understand a foreign language or be subject to “quaint” customs ! Welcome to the your very own floating america, safely moving along the river through “the heart of europe”, yet comfortably insulated by a minimum of 400 meters of extremely cold water! Perfection!!!!
Welcome to the “longships” experience! The only time you will be required to interact with foreigners will be at the airport, but don’t worry we’ve got you covered. As soon as you alight from your flight we will be waiting for you, ready to whisk you and your fellow american cruise passengers through passport control, into a luxury vehicle, exclusively for the your transportation to your ship. You will never have to negotiate the difficulties of hailing a taxicab or an uber, driven most certainly by a non-english or european language speaking person who will feign ignorance of the address of your destination and take you for an extremely expensive ride, demand cash in the currency of the country and claim to have no change available.
Once at the cruise ship terminal you will be lead by one of our service excellence specialists to your stateroom. The service excellence specialist will acquaint you with all of the amazing amenities of your new home away from home: wifi, and internet connectivity, all english language television, including your favorite channels as described in your pre-cruise questionnaire, such as the heartland channel, espn, the cartoon network and qvc. A complete personalized cruise dossier will await you with all of your dietary preferences such as gluten free, dairy free, spice-free, vegan, and non-american cuisine. You will never have to encounter any unfamiliar menu items! Sit back, relax and discover the luxury bath and beauty products provided for you, again, all made in america, as well as a complimentary bottle of california bubbly and an assortment of gourmet hershey chocolates, vermont cheeses and pepperidge farm crackers to enjoy as you settle in.
Once your ship leaves the dock you will never have to set foot onto foreign soil as long as your cruise lasts! But, that doesn’t mean you won’t have the opportunity to experience the glory of other cultures, should you desire, but if you choose to remain aboard your luxury cruise ship and watch countries glide by from the safety of the river, that’s just fine too. Every morning a schedule of the day’s activities will be presented under your door, from cooking classes, to entertainment from the countries along the shore, to short discussions of their customs. However, none of that is required, should you prefer to partake of our yoga or meditation programs, our jazzercise or ball room dance lessons, it’s all there for your enjoyment!
And above and beyond all of the aforementioned luxuries, let’s not forget the most important benefit of sailing on one of the longships: endless food!!! Yes, we serve hearty american style food literally 24 hours a day. If you are feeling like a need to sleep in, do not fear, all it takes is a quick call to one of our culinary excellence team who will deliver a full american breakfast of eggs (or egg white scramble), or waffles or pancakes with vermont maple syrup, bacon or sausage, hash browns, a complement of pastries, a juice of your choice (from florida, of course) and starbucks coffee or lipton tea. Just lie back and watch your favorite television shows while you enjoy breakfast in bed.
Perhaps before you enjoy our endless luncheon buffet you may want to stroll around the ship and take in the splendors of europe from a safe distance. Each day’s bulletin will highlight which ports we will be passing and any noteworthy sights along the way. There’s no need to actually leave the ship, one of our travel excellence specialists will offer a slide show highlighting the most important points of interest so that you will feel as if you were actually there. In some cases we may have local artisans, historians or chefs come aboard to hold demonstrations, and afford you the opportunity to purchase souvenirs of your visits to these interesting places which you can give to friends and family once you are safely back in your home destinations.
After your lecture you may have worked up an appetite so we offer a buffet available at any hour of the day or night. It will feature the best of the best casual dining offerings, from hot dogs and hamburgers to deli meats and a selection of breads, salads, hot wings, fixings for tacos, pizzas and so much more. But, should you not find something suitable to your tastes, all you need is to notify one of our culinary wait staff and they will do their very best to accommodate your request. Of course, if you have noted your dining preferences on your pre-cruise questionnaire, there will be no need to ask, simply identify yourself and it will be delivered to your table. Obviously all libations are included in your cruise fee so feel free to indulge in bottomless mimosas, bloody marys, cosmos, screw drivers or put our expert mixologists to the test and enjoy one of their specialty cocktails made just for you!
After that delicious buffet and cocktails, you may need a bit of a rest. Of course you may nap in your stateroom, but don’t forget the five “themed” pools we have on board: polynesian pleasure, mexican fiesta, french riviera, greek goddess or good ole panama city doublewide….you can’t go wrong!!!! Our aquatic specialists offer daily contests, games and more! Swim or waddle over to the pool bar for a delicious themed drink, a mai tai, margarita, lilletini, ourzo-good or bud lite. Everything will be provided, except the sunscreen, you don’t want to forget that, because on our longships cruises, every day is guaranteed to be sunny and bright!
After all that wonderful fun and sun you may want to enjoy some of the myriad indoor activities we offer, like gambling in our vegas-worthy casino, ole timey shuffleboard, mahjong, bridge, table tennis, or spa treatments galore, and let’s not forget shopping! Longships offer a real mall experience right on board. Most upscale retailers are represented as well as a specially designed cruise collection featuring the longships logo to show off to your friends upon arrival home. And best of all, no need to carry cash or credit cards, all purchases are automatically charged to your ship board account, so shop to your heart’s delight without the guilt!
Above and beyond what was described, there are also “adults only” activities which are as varied as your imagination. So be your own cruise director, cut loose, and rest assured, what happens on longships stays on longships!
Evenings begin with pre-dinner cocktails followed by a variety of dining options, from very casual to more formal elegant venues. You never have to worry that you are not properly dressed, we have something for everyone. But remember, if you want to dress up, all you need to do is go to our mall for just the right outfit.
After dinner our array of ship board extravaganzas await! Broadway type shows, magicians, talented vocalists, and so much more. You are invited to put on your dancing shoes for our nightly dance contest or simply sit back and enjoy the music. Your daily activity sheet will provide details of each evening’s offerings. But after such a full day, you may just want to tuck into bed and watch one of the many movies, tv shows or documentaries we offer in our video library, popcorn included of course.
As your cruise comes to an end we hope you have enjoyed every minute of your time aboard one of our longships, and return home with fond memories of your wonderful immersive european vacation! And, if you sign up for another longships experience before leaving the ship we offer a special discount and exclusive benefits that you won’t want to miss!
Bon voyage!
my jaundiced eye 