my jaundiced eye

Pandemonized no mo’

What can I say, MJE has been lanquishing during this uncertain time, besides being a people killer COVID is also a creativity killer. Can you believe it, mje’s formerly inexhaustible fount of creative flair has been decimated. Poof. Gone. Nada. Tragic. But the good news is that I have every reason to be hopeful that the spark will be reignited and once again the world will be privy to mje’s irreverent view of its monumentally moronic populace.

So to recap….let’s see, when mje last surfaced, the conald & co had been defeated for re-election…and to put it mildly, conald did not take it well, as described in a prior post. But aside from that, there’s the aforementioned pandemic whose origin is still being debated. The first theory was that it was the result of people in china eating infected bats. But hold on here, everyone knows that the safe internal meat temperature for poultry and game is 165 degrees, however a bat is a flying mammal so it’s in a sort of grey area but certainly should not be served rare, not to mention raw. If you want to eat raw meat head to france and order a plateful of steak tartare, don’t eat a bat. I mean who does that, you’re at the market and looking over your options….hmm not sure what I’m hungry for, chicken lips, duck feet, snake and frites…no, you know what I am totally craving is bat, bag up a dozen, I’m having friends over for dinner.

We’ve slogged through a year or so of this nightmare, resulting in death and disease unheard of for a century. But also a forced isolation with one’s nearest and dearest, resulting in record numbers of familial schisms and separations and divorces for those who realized that their significant others were not in fact the loves of their lives but insufferable jerks. As if that weren’t enough, a shortage of toilet paper made even wiping your ass a bone of contention. Then an antiseptic shortage, which mje cleverly avoided by stocking up on everclear, which has a higher percentage of alcohol than rubbing alcohol, with a bonus feature…you can drink it! if going blind and nuts isn’t a problem. Your call…

But all of that has been resolved, the companies that diverted production of their normal products to making masks are now stuck with tens of millions of something that people will never, ever want to see again. Quick tip, send them all to india and take the write off. As the repub’s rising star, marjorie taylor green bean said, mask mandates are the just same as making jews wear gold stars (they were yellow but whatever) and being shipped off to gas chambers. Now, that babe definitely has the lack of intellect and gift for idiotic hyperbole that will hasten her bob right to the top of the gop toilet bowl.

But enough of that, let’s get down to mje. This past week was deferred maintenance week. Mje had two fillings drilled out and replaced, and a leaking windshield fixed. I also had an appointment with my oncologist. However, I made the cardinal error of asking him how he was. He must have thought I was actually interested, I mean like duh, right? Depressed, he responded and spent the next 35 minutes droning on about his pandemic lot in life. I finally had to interrupt and remind him that I am not his therapist, I’m his patient, and he’s whining on my dime. Dejected, he was about to walk out when I asked if he didn’t need to do an exam, he reluctantly turned around and asked me to disrobe from the waist up (I guess gone are the days of asking about my health, or offering some privacy and a robe, not to mention having a female assistant in the room) and he performed a half-hearted exam and made for the door. As I was getting dressed, I asked how my lab work was, and in an eeyore-ish voice, head down he muttered “fine” and left. I guess I should look at his lack of interest as a paradoxical sign of my good health, otherwise he’d be more attentive, right?

Then to finish off the week I had a colonoscopy! and I can assure you that that was the last one I will ever have in my life. However, now I know exactly what percentage of mje is total crap. Must have been a bad week for those in the medical profession, because the nurse was also not on her game. As she inserted the iv, she said “That was a great vein but darn if I didn’t go right through it so we’ll need to give it another try and you’ll probably have a pretty big bruise.” My forearms are 95% veins for god’s sake, helen keller could get a needle in one of them. But before we started the “procedure” and I got good juice, I told the doc I had a gastroenterologist joke (and trust me they’re not many of those around) and told them that years ago when you’d call the GI department at tulane med center the receptionist would answer “anus, rectum and colon!” (coincidentally also the name of giulianai’s law firm). Thought it would get a bigger laugh, but I guess if you have chosen a profession in which you spend all day looking up people’s bum holes you may not appreciate being the butt of a joke.

Bada-boom.

coup coup clockwork orange

On wednesday, january 6^th2021 the american president exhorted thousands of his rabid trumpalumpas, qimbeciles, q balls, screw balls, furballs, fascists, racists, haters, wingnuts, lugnuts, maganuts, cronuts, and other assorted pond scum to storm the capitol building because he had convinced them that he was robbed of his victory in the election. Having primed the pump of violence in a constant stream of victim tweets, he addressed the assembled herd of brutish bullies (from behind a bullet proof shield) and gave them their marching orders. Fight, fight, fight! Assuming his “christ on the cross in a cashmere coat” stance the president commanded his throng of quislings to march on the capitol and carry their trump banners, confederate flags and assorted Q crap on high like the proud boys and girls they are. They also took guns and other weapons, because you just can’t be too careful when you are in the midst of an unruly crowd. And finally they carried a very bad attitude, anger and resentment against the government.

Despite the fact that this rally had been widely broadcast on social media and assorted right wing forms of communication, the highly motivated throng was met with a measly bunch of capitol police, which in the words of one commentator, are really more like campus cops than policemen, armed with billy clubs and pea shooters. They put up a game defense for about twenty minutes then skedaddled up the capitol steps with the crazed mob nipping at their heels. In dc there are about 2000 different law enforcement agencies, metro police, atf, fbi, homeland security, dc national guard, yada yada yada…yet, mind bogglingly they were in absentia…how come that? Am I the only one who smells a rat here? Surely, as these men and women in law enforcement watched their screens or read news accounts and witnessed their own capitol building being ransacked, they must have asked their commanders why they were not allowed to assist…who had ordered them to stand down. We will find out, but for now it remains a mystery. I heard one explanation, which to me sounds a bit disingenuous; that the supporting forces were held back because they were criticized for their over-reaction during the black lives matter protests. If that had been their motivation for inaction it sure as hell didn’t have the desired effect…quite the opposite, it reinforced the image of an america which works like hell to protect itself from the imagined misdeeds of peaceful protesters who happen to have more melanin than others while it sits on its hands as pale faced traitors ravage the heart of our democracy. It was racism writ large.

The past four years have been debilitating, mentally and emotionally, but they have also shown the american people how incredibly fragile our democracy is, and that sitting idly by is just not enough to sustain it. There are far too many who are lured by the blood lust emanating from the people who are sent to washington to represent us. I have often asked myself how I might react should a fascist regime come into power. Would I be a brave resistance fighter or would I simply go along to get along. I always convinced myself that I would man the ramparts and die for the cause of freedom. Until january 20 we have a wannabe fascist in the white house capable of anything until jan.20, but I disappointingly did not man the ramparts, march and protest. Instead, I stayed home, and I wrote letters urging people to vote regardless of their party, I made phone calls and volunteered at polling places and I voted (twice, just kidding). But in the end, the work of millions of americans, in the streets, behind their desks, knocking on doors, calling strangers, rallying their compatriots to defend their democracy worked. It takes all of us doing what we can, even geezers like mje. The proto-fascist president was soundly defeated and his complicit political party lost its majority in the senate. However, now the lunatic fringe who were beguiled by a con man who told them that all they needed to do was to rally behind him, to follow his example of racism and misogyny, and of course to keep sending him money and they would surely take control. Well, they tried, and they failed, this time. But they have not gone away, they are just waiting….

Now we are in the midst of a second impeachment of trump (he wanted to be a president for the history books and he got it) this time for inciting treason. Treason for god’s sake! If that is not something that both dems and repubs can agree is a terrible, awful, no good very bad thing, then we might as well throw in the damp towel of democracy. It’s not like he was just paying off porn stars, or blabbing classified information to the russians (in the oval office!!), or trying to pin the son of his opponent with some cockeyed crime (which had already been investigated and dismissed) or grifting off of the american people through his hotels and golf courses, or having his son in law try to set up an un-traceable back door communication channel with the ruskies and then putting him and the president’s incompetent spoiled daughter into government posts, or appointing equally incompetent cronies to cabinet posts (who then used inside information they received in classified briefings to make a lot of dough). No he is being impeached for treason, sedition, inciting a violent overthrow of our government. That is hard cheese man. And in the olden days it would have been a hanging offense.

But thanks to the first amendment, americans have a right to free speech unless it is hate speech that attacks or uses pejorative or discriminatory language with reference to a person or a group on the basis of who they are, their religion, ethnicity, nationality, sexual orientation, etc. For example, rep. steve king of iowa, said mexicans have “calves like cantaloups” because they’re hauling drugs and illegal immigrants across the border or when trump said he was open to the idea of closing mosques and creating a database of all muslims in the us referring to them as “a problem” and a “sickness.” Those are bad. One section of the first amendment states that publicly threatening or inciting violence against a person or group, carries a maximum penalty of 3 years in prison and/or a fine of $11,000 for individuals or $55,000 for companies. Hmmmmm….trump’s speech on jan 6 sure sounded a lot like that to me or am I just a liberal snowflake who doesn’t understand innocent macho lingo.

But there’s more, and kids I’ve saved the best for last…sedition, but because of the pesky free speech that is protected by the first amendment, prosecutions are rare. Nevertheless, sedition is still a crime in the us under 18 U.S.C.A.

I was just gobsmacked by the lawyer for one of the insurrectionists who said that trump should pardon all of them because “they came to the capitol by the invitation of the president.” That sounds like a great final line in a prosecutor’s summation.

Oh, yeah and almost half a million americans have died of COVID so far….but don’t bother telling trump, he’s got bigger fish to fry, like staying out of prison.

a little divine help here

Well, it’s T-six days until we find out if we have learned anything as a nation about whom not to elect president. Signs are hopeful that our national nightmare, disgrace and general disgust will finally be over. But it ain’t over until the fat lady sings and I have yet to start trilling.

Seems like we might could use a little divine intervention at the moment, obviously the underworld put in quite an effort in order for us to be in this fix so it’s time for the other side to pitch in. If there is a supreme being with unlimited sight and power she could at the very least loan us a squad of arc angels to lend a hand with some of the election stuff. Let’s start with voter suppression, zap that shit as soon as possible, ditto political gerrymandering. Then there are the ridiculously long lines people need to stand in to vote, losing a day’s pay, waiting hours upon hours, in the middle of a forking pandemic (I’ll chalk that one up to the other side). At least set up some rest stops along the way offering say free coffee, or better yet a full bar or even just beer and wine, neck massages, a knosh or two, then reset time passage at 2x or even 3x to keep things moving. It really doesn’t seem like much to ask. Then there’s the whole question of voting on tuesday, WTF? What’s so sacrosanct about tuesday (which was, after all named for a norse god, which should have taken it out of contention right there) except that it is one day after the start of the work week. You know, when people need to be at their jobs (if they still have one)….what’s wrong with saturday? Yes I know that’s a problem during college football season but since that’s probably not in the cards for the foreseeable future (well, of course you’d know better than I) how about we give it a whirl.

I think that takes care of the big stuff for now but please put congressional and court term limits on the to do list along with background checks and mandatory public tax returns for presidential candidates. bonus points for IQ tests. Oh and what’s with the senate working like 3 weeks a year and blowing town whenever the heat is on? Ditching the filibuster would be nice. I could go on but I don’t want to stress you out too much, but one more thing, and I should have said this first, get rid of rudy giuliani. asap.

Thanks a million, can’t tell you what a difference it will make for our country. Admittedly other places have famine, wars, and desperate poverty. We have trump.

Tough call, I know.

typhoid trump

Trump has finally achieved one of his life goals, being a super something….unfortunately it’s not the kind of hero he reads about in his comic books. His happens to be of the evil doer ilk. He has now been dubbed a “super-spreader” of the covid virus. No matter, like a sentence that contains the preposition “but” everything after it doesn’t really count, trump just reads the word super and the rest is irrelevant. We all know he has what might be charitably described as a “short attention span” but come on man, it’s two words. Or maybe just one.

Trump is the typhoid mary of our time. Mary mallon however, was unaware that she was infected, as she had no symptoms. But everywhere that mary went typhoid was sure to go. She was responsible for multiple outbreaks of the disease at the turn of the 20^th century throughout new york. After she was identified as patient zero in 1907 she was forcibly incarcerated at age 39 until the end of her life. From mje’s lips to god’s ears. But sadly it is unlikely that trump will face the same fate, unless he finally gets his just desserts for his lifetime of financial crime. Everyone but my mother in law has him in their cross hairs, well she’s dead, so there’s that, plus she was pretty slow on the uptake so perhaps not the best example.

His tax returns have suddenly appeared after eons waiting for them to be made public. It was fortunately courtesy of the new york times so there was no legal mumbo jumbo about their having to remain secret. It should not have been a revelation to most sentient people that his entire life has been one yuge con. He was a world class business failure, despite inheriting gobs of money from his equally sketchy daddy, a role model for his future dealings. The upside to being a massive business failure, especially in the real estate business, is that you can fudge figures in a quasi-legal way. He was able to write off all of the financial losses (real or inflated) to offset his tax requirements, hence his $72K refund, which is, in a rare inadvertent trump true fact, under audit (whatever moronic bean counter managed that colossal fuck up…I want him auditing my tax return, please). Good luck trying to claw back that dough! But good news, he coughed up $750 in income tax a year for the last two years, almost enough to cover his annual brylcreem tab.

We all fully suspected that he was a tax cheat, among other things, but the revelation that he owes over $400K to god know whom, was a stunner. I mean that’s a hellova tab. And I suspect that whoever loaned him that money did not do it out of the goodness of his or her heart, I’m pretty sure that some sort of payback, financial or otherwise was attached. But I bet that person, persons, foreign governments, gangsters, sketchy banks or whomever had little notion that this feckless, irresponsible, incredibly inept (read: low iq) blowhard would ever become president of the united states. Obviously, not the voting public’s finest hour for sure. But what a bonanza for the loan sharks!

Yet here we are, a reality tv dimwit channeling his best inner mussolini up there on the truman balcony facing his adoring, if delusional, fans, his each and every pompous ridiculous boast blanketing their upturned maskless faces with an unhealthy dose of virus.

Mark twain wrote that people must pledge “Loyalty to the nation all the time, to the government when it deserves it.” I think we’re off the hook on that second pledge.

welfare king, or how I got $100K in medical care for $750

Okay, mje doesn’t need one more reason to want an end to trump’s destructive reign but this one is personal. I had a perfectly good post ready to launch but don’t ya know it, he had to jam himself into my editorial space and poof! Like that it was as if what I commented on was a year old. Dammit, can’t a working woman catch a break? Well, “working” is really a squishy description, given the latitude with which it is applied. Why are women who stay in their homes to take care a bunch of yapping rug rats, with no salary, overtime or hazard pay, not considered to be “working”? I can tell you, they would trade places in a new york second with someone who’s in an orderly office space, even better a private office, with clear rules and regs, a designated hourly work week, and an hr department that would quickly dispatch anyone who throws himself on the floor and has a tantrum because the vending machine is out of hohos. Hell yeah I work, maybe not in a factory or a diner or a dry cleaners, or once again raising children (and grandchildren, cue the harps) but I do work. In my case my mental wellbeing is frankly a full-time job, more than that, not just 40 hours a week, I’m talking 24/7. Do you know how heavy that load is? And add to that, the OB&C is no picnic either. His relentless obsessions with idiotic and unimportant tasks is enough to drive even the most stable person nuts. As an example, the mother of deadbeat son of a neighbor in the big sleazy somehow thought that the ob&c’s scientific background indicated that he might have a slew of contacts in the elevator repair industry. Huh? But like a true soldier he threw himself with vigor into locating someone, anyone to help this person out. He rooted around and somehow, after months of digging, found the name of someone who might be in the elevator repair biz, and got a name to pass on. For god’s sake, I said, tell the kid to go on indeed, zip recruiter or monster and get the same info in about 35 seconds. But whatcha gonna do….the ob&c kicks it old school, like 1959 school…

But enough about him, this is my space, don’t crowd it buddy.

Before I was so rudely interrupted by my own digression, I was hot on the trail of a coherent thought. Oh yeah, that the covid denier in chief has now been diagnosed with the hoax. Who’dathunkit? But lucky for him, he’s living on the taxpayer dime (not the $750 in income tax he paid last year) to enjoy in-house 24 hour medical care in the white house, but also access to a helicopter to swoop him off to a taxpayer supported medical facility where he has a team of about eight docs supervising his care. Headed not by an md, but by an osteopath. I thought they were just a bunch of self-important chiropractor types in white coats. But I totally underestimated their credentials…apparently, DOs are fully licensed physicians who practice in all areas of medicine. Like jacks of all trades, but masters of none. Emphasizing a whole-person approach to treatment and care, DOs are trained to listen to and “partner” with their patients to help them get healthy and stay well. They advise patients about changes in lifestyle and diet to encourage “wellness” of the whole patient, not just treat symptoms like massive heart attack or stroke. I gotta tell you, if I suffer a massive stroke, head trauma, or heart attack the last thing I need is some quackeroni sitting by my bedside giving me advice on changing my lifestyle (say, drinking habits) as my life slowly slips away and I undergo the ultimate change in lifestyle from alive to dead.

But leave it to our pretender in chief to opt for an osteopath instead a real medical doctor. But whoa nelly, can you imagine his visits with his patient trying to advise him on lifestyle and dietary changes. Sir, have you thought that perhaps eating big macs and french fries for lunch, drinking twelve diet cokes and having steak for dinner every night might not be the best dietary option for optimal health? Hell no doc, look at me, People say I am the most incredible human specimen ever seen! It’s all over the internet. I’m not some lily livered diet and exercise freak like obama, wasting valuable tv time in the gym, living on vegetables and fish, drinking water all the live long day…hell no. I could knock that skinny illegal immigrant over like a paper doll with a single fart.

That’s one trump pronouncement mje does believe.

covidocaust

Not too long ago it seemed to many, if not most people that it had been a truly a terrible, horrible, no good very bad week for trump because previously unknown and damaging information emerged that would sink any other politician but at least would certainly cause some of his supporters to re-evaluate their positions. But, as in all things in trump land, up is down and down is up, good is bad, bad is good and in the end everyone is so disgusted and exhausted that they just don’t give a shit anymore and pour themselves another drink.

That particular week didn’t start off well for trump, after a major article in the atlantic magazine detailed how, throughout his tenure as president, he had denigrated our military men and women, calling them losers and suckers. That he couldn’t understand why they did it, what was in it for them? It also described his refusal to visit a graveyard in france dedicated to the american soldiers who died in WWI because he was worried that his carefully crafted coiffure might get mussed.

Then bada bing bada boom, excerpts of bob woodward’s book came out five days later with even more devastating evidence of trump’s pathological disregard for other people. It chronicled in detail that the president was fully aware of the seriousness of the corona virus back in january and that it was highly contagious and spread through airborne particles, yet he said nothing to the americans who were in mortal danger. But he told bob. And now bob has told the world what the president knew and when he knew it. And it’s all backed up with taped interviews. But trump is one of those never apologize, never explain kinda guys because why should he when he has a load of alternative facts tucked in his golf bag between his nine iron and his putter, with with fake news and total hoax zipped into the outside pocket.

So now there are over 200,000 americans dead from covid who were assured that the virus was not only no worse than the flu but that it would disappear “like a miracle.” Their demise has never even been acknowledged by our president. Ever. Just think about that: 200,000 dead and over 5 million infected and not a peep, er tweet. Not a word of regret, compassion or empathy for the loss of life or the terrible toll it has taken on the lives of the victims’ families, friends and colleagues. But the stock market is still strong, and that apparently is the single gauge by which trump measures his success.

All those americans are dead because their president willfully ignored the scientifically verified facts that he knew to be true, and he lied to them. He told them that they didn’t need to wear masks, or maintain social distancing or take any other recommended precautions. In fact, he invited them to attend huge indoor rallies where maskless people crammed cheek by jowl screamed, spewed infectious particles into the air, and waved signs to enable their spreading further. Yet even as people succumbed to this virus they vehemently, violently, loudly proclaimed their support for the person who is 100% responsible for the deaths of their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, children and dear friends. And maybe they themselves.

It beggars belief, but it is also a cautionary tale. I have often wondered how good, loving, honorable german citizens could have been so perverted by a single power-hungry man like hitler. I am no historian but from what I do understand is that he played upon their fears and anger after germany’s defeat in WWI, as well as the economic depression that followed. But hitler didn’t attribute germany’s loss to the allies, he attributed it to the “traitors” in their own country. Just as with trump, the “enemy” is not outside the country but right here, right now. Our enemies, fellow americans, are those who refuse to embrace the idea of an america in which the white male is the top dog, instead they support the notion that all citizens should have equal rights, that black lives matter as much as any others, that illegal immigrant children should not be separated from their families who came here seeking asylum, forced to live in cages and sleep on the ground with aluminum blankets. They don’t even believe that ozzie and harriette were real people and that mayberry is a real town for god’s sake.

Hitler was an unattractive xenophobe and anti-semite, an impassioned and persuasive speaker who was extremely good at sizing up his audiences and giving them exactly what they wanted: someone to blame for their circumstances.

And he found it. Jews.

Trump did too. Immigrants.

And they both understood that a simple symbol or slogan was something ordinary people would understand and embrace. For hitler it was the swastika, for trump it’s maga.

I hope that the american people have woken up to what our country has become in the last three and a half years and say enough! This is not who I am, this is not who we are. And come november 3rd we are all going to rise up and stick our heads out of our windows and scream “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!”

don the con

Well MJE isn’t letting the goddam crab grass grow under my feet…no sir-ree these are perilous times and demand urgent action. I sure don’t want to be sitting here on November 4^th, 8^th , 23^rd or whenever the hell we find out the results of the election thinking, if I had just done a bit more I could have turned the tide. So despite my advanced age and innumerable infirmities (which are real regardless of what my “doctors” say) I am manning the ramparts. As should all democracy loving people in this country and beyond…because sitting around on our asses as our governments slip slide away into slag heaps is not only bad for our asses but even worse for our countries and our thighs.

Okay, we collectively fucked up in 2016…not casting any asparagus but some of us are a bit more culpable than others. However, due to my forgiving (but frankly more forgetting) nature, I am going to move on and hope that we have all learned a lesson. Case in point, years ago the OB&C and I were visiting the big sleazy when we were living in seattle and were walking though jackson square when this kid comes up and says “I bet you $20 I can tell you where you got those shoes.” Obviously a tourist sucker punch but we played along, because we secretly thought we might win the con, and took the bet. So he says “You got them on your feet.” Bad-a-boom! Twenty bucks lighter but wiser, off we toddled to find another drink. As cons go it was a pretty inexpensive lesson.

However, the stakes are a whole lot higher now than they were then…and we are dealing with a man who has conned the best of them. Not just silly tourists, but respected (and not so respected) bankers, investors, and poor schnook sub-contractors who all bet against him and lost. But now it’s an entire country, our country, that lost. But admittedly, an honest person doesn’t have the necessary defenses against a really good con because he/she believes that other people hold the same values as they do and wouldn’t out and out cheat another person. And it is really hard to accept that you’ve been had. But the fact is, we all have.

Including the 180,000 and counting, americans who are dead from carona virus who believed that it was a hoax and that it would disappear “like a miracle” when the weather warms up. Or injected themselves with lysol or shot light waves into their anuses, or drank hydroxychoroquine, or extract of oleander leaves. People WANT to believe that their elected representatives are acting in their best interest, despite all evidence to the contrary. Americans are particularly idealistic because our nation was founded on the firm foundation of basic noble principles. And we still are, despite a dark history of failing to live up to those ideals. But as our founders clearly outlined, we are going to be forever on a journey to become a more perfect union.

Admittedly, we took a misguided road trip off the designated route in 2016. I mean who hasn’t ended up in a motel six in some weird place without any memory of how you got there…okay, maybe that’s just me. But you get my drift. You know, shit happens. But as they say live and loin, at least that’s how they say it in noo awlins.

So, onward we go. We are all in the same leaky boat, subject to all manner of hazard. But let’s all get out our cans of plastic wood (or bondo if you prefer) and start patching this thing together, because in the end we all sink or swim together.

Sorry that this isn’t as light and funny as a usual MJE, but I really needed to get this off my chest. If the fates allow, I will be back to my devil-may-care quips by the next post, unless things get worse. Then all bets are off.

trumplicans

TRIGGER WARNING!!

The contents of the following post contain commentary or opinions which may offend some of my followers.

MJE is taking off her opera length white kid gloves and taking the proverbial bull by the balls and assert, without fear of contradiction that the establishment republican party is kaput, dead, defunct, expired. But even if it still has a faint heart beat, it is now even worse, entirely irrelevant.

So, to my snowflake republican followers, I love you, but your political train has left the station with a ca-razy conductor at the throttle. And there you are, left standing on the platform in your brooks brothers suit, clutching your ticket, stomping up and down and screaming “Wait, wait, that’s my train! I’ve been riding it since 1962 when I was president of the young rebulicans for nixon at yale! What the hell? And it’s on the wrong damn track!

I don’t have to tell you. You know exactly what’s wrong, but you hitched our collective caboose to that runaway train and now we all have to just hold on for dear life. If you voted for trump in 2016 because he surely could not be as looney, crooked, moronic, misogynistic, or racist as he sounded, that he would “grow” into the job, that he would have “the best people” working for him, that he’d “drain the swamp” but that even in a worst case scenario, congress and the courts would keep him on the straight and narrow. Sure, he could bling out the white house, allow his grifter family to suck on the taxpayer teat, and sign lots of meaningless papers with his big black sharpie, but he’d never be able to do too much damage. Sorry to tell you pal, but you were wrong, dead wrong.

He surfed into office on the back of a booming economy, so right out of the gate he pushed a multi-trillion dollar tax cut for the ultra-wealthy intended somewhat paradoxically to reduce the deficit (oh yeah, I forgot, and help the middle class.) This was predicated on a 3% annual growth rate which turned out to be one of the first instances of the trump administration’s magical thinking, well, after the inauguration crowd size.

Instead the government racked up the most devastating deficit in the history of the country. Our great-great-grandchildren will still be paying off just the interest. Frankly it would be cheaper to negotiate with china to see if we might become a territory if they would forgive the debt. But they have enough headaches now, why add another one?

And I haven’t even gotten to the trump putin thing. For us normal americans, it strikes us as odd that trump has such a hard on for that guy. He pisses off virtually every democratically elected government on the planet and turns america into an international pariah but at least he always has vlad the impaler for pillow talk. People say it’s because the ruskies have some dirt on him, but for chrissake, is there anything out there that is any uglier than what we already know? And if there is, we are so shell shocked by now that it probably won’t even phase us.

Seriously, short of eating babies alive it would be just one more thing. And it’s not like he shows any shame for god’s sake. But whatever it is, it will come out eventually, at which point he’ll smile that creepy malevolent grin and say we were suckers and losers for believing him in the first place. And that will be the only true thing that ever came out of that foul mouth of his.

camp wa-me-o-lawd-wa-me session 2

Just to update everyone about ongoing first session covid camp projects:

The plexiglas is still in pieces.

The closet light still doesn’t work.

But this is a new session and lots of activities are on the schedule. Many of them are more aspirational than practical, but campers gotta dream, right?

Lots of hikes, obviously. To date none has actually happened but there are many possibilities. One drawback is the fact that the OB&C and MJE tend to sleep in. Really in. So by the time we’ve fed jesus an egg, sausage, biscuit, juice and hot cocoa, and his daily antidepressant, the morning is pretty much shot. I don’t think he really wants that much to eat but the OB&C feeds him what he wants for breakfast. The kid weighs in at about 70 lbs so that’s a lotta stuff to start that day. No wonder he’s sort of sluggish afterwards. But I march him upstairs to clean his room, make his bed and brush his teeth. Well, I actually haven’t even been upstairs since he arrived six weeks ago, but here at camp-wa-my-o-lawd-wa-me we believe in the honor system, in other words what I don’t know won’t ruin my day.

So by then we’re edging into early afternoon. With summer afternoon rain showers on the horizon, that puts a kibosh on any long treks. The alternative has been trail blazing around the neighboring hills, which is fun but it’s not exactly scaling mt lecomte.

Crafts are also an important part of camp life so jesus and the OB&C have taken to making old timey concoctions. Jesus has stripped bare every sassafras tree within a one mile radius to collect leaves to dry and crush to make file, using an old wooden mortar and pestle. File, pronounced filay, is one of the ingredients used to thicken gumbo. I doubt his mother, albatross, has ever made gumbo, and doubt that she ever will but if she ever does he’s got what she needs, and lots of it.

Then they moved on to witch hazel. He and the OB&C decided that they should soak the leaves, then strain the liquid and mix it with alcohol. No one bothered to research how to do it, and frankly, they didn’t really care, they just did what they thought it would take. So now we are stocked with jars upon jars of cloudy yellow stuff which will either go into his suitcase (and most certainly break or have him hauled off the plane as a terrorist) or will be poured down the sink as soon as we get back from dropping him at the airport. Sure hope it doesn’t blow up our septic tank.

Jesus loves to grub around even where you would rather he not, and he spotted an ancient hand crank ice cream machine that has been sitting in the garage for nigh on to 40 years. It was love at first sight. He dragged the old thing out, scrubbed it clean, more or less, and he and the OB&C set to making peach ice cream. We had two half rotten peaches, a half gallon of cream that was way beyond the best used by date, some really old rock salt and they emptied the ice machine in the freezer and went at it like a house afire. For a really skinny kid he can crank like a seasoned handcar operator. And he never gives up. I mean he never, ever gives up. If he wants to make ice cream he’s gonna crank until he drops. And lo and behold, they sure nuff made peach ice cream. Twice.

We started a new reading activity yesterday. Jesus reading us the local newspaper. He finds the newsworthy doings of a small town infinitely interesting, not to mention the fact that he’s probably never seen an actual newspaper. He updates us on the (now cancelled) local arts and craft shows, performances, religious doings, city ordinance disputes, etc. But he really loves the crime blotter column. It’s mostly pretty small potatoes, like a guy complaining about noisy neighbors. Or there was a fender bender on main street. Or someone reported some person looking suspicious or overheard saying a mean thing. There were a few search and rescue reports, a guy fell down an embankment chasing his dog, but managed to get back up before the rescue squad got there (send him a bill). There was a report of smoke somewhere, and a lost guinea pig. The highlight was a theft, which jesus commented doesn’t even make it into the oakland paper, it’s mostly murders. He said it so matter of factly that it was sort of spooky.

The OB&C and I have come to appreciate the value of unpaid child labor. Jesus loves projects so we decided that he would be just the person to sand down the plastic wood with which the OB&C has filled the rotten front porch stair balusters. Frankly they are by now about 97% plastic wood and needed a lot of sanding. The OB&C presented jesus with a large electric sander which weighs about as much as he does and put him to work. I thought for sure the rattling would shake his very expensive straightened teeth out of his head, or he’d drop it on his foot or accidentally sand off some skin, but he avoided all of those potential mishaps and sanded the dickens out of those posts. Not perfect but pretty good for a compete amateur. Then we set him to work repainting them (along with a lot of the decking, stairs and nearby plants). Again, not as skilled as I would have liked, but honestly you get what you pay for.

He and the OB&C are off at the “antique” mall. They went the other day and jesus was in heaven. He is fascinated with old gizmos and gadgets so naturally picked up and fiddled with everything he came upon. The OB&C was a nervous wreck standing right by him in case he dropped something. In the end he didn’t ask for anything except a $700 ice box.

Gotta give the kid credit, go big or go home.

camp wa-me-o-lawd-wa-me

Greetings from camp covid here in north carolina! We only have one camper, our grandson jesus. He usually goes to regular camp for about 5 weeks but that is kaput so we are it. Basically, we do it because he desperately needs to be away from his mother, daughter albatross, and exposed to some vague semblance of a normal family environment. Well normal if you think living with two addled over drinkers in their seventies is normal. But we have the advantage of having an extremely low bar to hurdle, vis a vis his mother. He’s a wonderful boy, polite, helpful (to a fault, if you get my drift), amiable and clings to the OB&C like a deer tick. Every hour that the OB&C is awake he is right next to him. When the OB&C takes one of several daily naps he waits expectantly, listening intently, asking every few minutes if he’s up yet.

They do get along like two peas in a pod, so basically I am spending the summer as house mother to two eleven year olds. But every day is an adventure as you will see.

Last week they had to haul an old toilet to the landfill which they managed to turn into a two-day campaign. First they couldn’t lift it into the truck, then with some help they got it in but then it needed thirty yards of rope to make sure it didn’t slide around. For god’s sake it’s going to the landfill, what difference does it make? Then, although forewarned to check the operating hours, they arrived seven minutes too late so the OB&C, mini-me and the toilet came back. Tried again the next day, but the OB&C found the whole dump operation totally confounding, technically you need to enter at what seems like the exit gate, drive up to a booth and get a ticket, dump your stuff and go back to the booth and get a bill for the weight of whatever you dumped, $3.15. Hell I’ve dumped tons (well not literally) of stuff there, I just drive in, dump and depart. What takes me 15 minutes took them an hour, 45 minutes of which was trying to figure out why people were lining up at the booth. When it comes to dumping stuff in a landfill, I believe in don’t ask, don’t tell. Just dump and run.

Last week we also had some tree guys come to cut out our “view” of some far hills from here in the cheap seats. We all three stood on the front landing vibrating with anticipation and when one of the trees would fall we’d all scream TIMBER!!!!!. Then we enjoyed the spectacle of the “climber” who went up the nearby trees to trim low branches, then swung from one tree to another by his ropes and pulleys. We held our breath while he was trying to get his rope to the next tree and when he made it safely we whooped and hollered and clapped. Don’t take much to entertain us here, obviously.

However, the tree saga wasn’t over yet! There are several huge pines that are on our neighbor’s land that block our “view”, so we got his permission to top them off. But they are quite a ways from the house so the OB&C and mini-me went on an expedition to find where they were. They drove up an old roadbed just below our property but got stopped by a log across the road. Undeterred, they trekked cross country, laying trail markers, and piles of stones, all the while taking very thorough notes and drawing a map. It was straight out of the hardy boys…and they were proud as peacocks when they got back. Made sure I took a picture of the map and sent it immediately to the tree man. I am certain it will be clear as mud in reality.

They’ve also spent a good bit of time setting up a trail camera. Natch the sim card or whatever the OB&C bought for it was the wrong size so that entailed carefully gluing the package back together and making two separate trips to town, and two more meals at willy’s bbq. Finally got the right card, chose a good spot and installed it, but the pictures were all upside down. I suggested maybe the camera was installed upside down but they immediately poo-pooed that idea. Not remotely possible…sheesh, women!

Moving onto the next project…the light in my closet doesn’t work. They decided that the reason was the switch was bad. I said no, it’s the ballast. That sealed it, it’s definitely the light switch. So after running up and down to the garage and trying every single lever on the circuit breaker they finally found the one to cut the power for the closet. They spent an hour replacing the light switch and emerged declaring victory! I went in five minutes later and it didn’t work. What? Not remotely possible!!! They decided the screws on the plate were too tight (?) so they loosened them up until it about fell off the wall but nada. They then went into executive session, huddled up and mulled over the situation and came to the conclusion that it was obviously the ballast that was malfunctioning.

Then there’s the light over the kitchen sink. The OB&C thought it wasn’t bright enough, and maybe one of the bulbs was out. So he lifted the plexiglas cover and don’t ya know, it cracked into several pieces. Not a problem, off to lowes to buy another piece. I suggested they have them cut it to size, what, are you crazy? We totally got this. I then tried to suggest that they consult our neighbor down the road, algie. He knows literally everything about everything and has all the necessary tools. Nah, don’t need any advice, all it takes is a razor blade. How hard can that be? Having been done in a few times by sheets of plexiglas I knew the answer is very. An hour later they emerged from the garage saying that it’s a whole lot trickier than it looks and the piece they were trying to cut broke into bits. Told ya. Fortunately, they had enough left to try a second time. Now they’re going to try a burn and cut method. I have an old gizmo for burning names into wood, so they’ll use that as a literal warm up before they started cutting. But they’re taking a break from that project for a few days so I anxiously await the next outcome. What I know for sure is that it will involve another trip to lowes and another sheet of plexiglas.

So as you can see, every day is better than the next here at camp wa-me-o-lord-wa-me. And we haven’t even gotten to bottle rockets, target practice or archery.