my jaundiced eye

gra-du-a-tion time, come on!

It’s that time of year again. People graduating from high school, community college, universities and GED programs. So congrats grads. You made it, just in time to get screwed over by a pandemic, except those of you who were on their toes and bagged a spot in big pharma. Lousy timing for the rest of you, but who knew? except everyone in the world, but the americans who were assured that covid would never dare reach our shores. However, in the immortal words of the blond kid in poltergeist “they’re here.”

Louis Pasteur is quoted as saying “Fortune favors the prepared mind.” and it is, in my estimation, a maxim to live by. In all circumstances I believe it’s best to be aware of what might lay ahead and take full advantage of other people’s stupid lack of due diligence.

Graduates I applaud your hard work, especially those pursuing careers in business, which in my opinion is the most admirable profession there is. I myself would frankly prefer to work in a waffle house. But the world doesn’t need one more pancake flipper or teacher, or emt, or epidemiologist.

What we desperately do need is business titans who are committed to making our economy great again. CEO’s can be role models and change the lives of their corporate workforce forever. Sometimes they may even save a corporation by guiding it on a new more draconian path; laying off workers, shutting down plants, or eliminating health insurance and pension plans. Tough times require tough decisions. And if you can’t stand the heat then go work in the mail room.

Great business leaders are never forgotten. I’ll bet you that everyone can remember one boss that taught them something that made them a less productive worker, more selfish team player, more ruthless back stabber, or better ass kisser. Good bosses are in their own way immortal.

Business titans are overvalued and overpaid in our society, and we really have to applaud that. Fortunately, the potential guilt about the disparity between the bottom 99% and the upper 1% does not deter exceptional people like you who want to spend your lives enjoying the hell out of this economic dynamic.

Mark Twain is quoted as saying something about boyhood dreams and whether they are ever fulfilled. He said he doubted it and wrote “look at Brander Matthews. He wanted to be a cowboy. What is he today? Nothing but a professor in a university. Will he ever be a cowboy? It is hardly conceivable.” The OB&C’s father was dean of students at a small university. He started out as a teacher of english literature. He was a great teacher and was well respected by his students and fellow faculty members. So the university brass in all its infinite wisdom thought the right move was to get that guy out of the classroom and kicked him upstairs to be dean of students. It was great for the university and for his career (not so much for his former students) because he became one of a very few top people in the administration of the university. The world could have been his oyster, but he lacked the killer drive and ambition required; to denigrate his colleagues, take credit for their work, refuse tenure to talented younger professors, and never advanced beyond being a top dog at a second tier university. Nor did he ever become a cowboy.

But in all seriousness, promotion is a gold ring that you should grab as soon as it comes around. The sooner you do, the sooner you’ll get that corner office and begin to enjoy the trappings of full-blown success. Don’t miss it. That’s a loser move.

I myself have no formal training in business, So, because I have managed both the finances of our company and our family, I think in a more creative way, outside of the spreadsheet as it were. Finances are fungible in my mind… Let’s just say I did something that was teetering on the fine line between ethical vs non-ethical and if by some unfortunate circumstance my accountant or husband happened to get wind of it, my technique involves coming up with a plausible explanation, fast. Winners gotta be quick on their feet! For example, years ago I went to paris with a couple of friends. I didn’t bother to tell the OB&C that the paris bit was a side trip that was not part of the group itinerary to venice. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that he foolishly looked at our american express bill and saw a huge tab from an expensive parisian restaurant. We three travelers had agreed to alternate paying for meals and I got stuck with that one. Upon my return, the OB&C, in a fury, presented me with the bill with a huge circle around the charge. I calmly told him to cool his jets and explained that I paid the group “lunch” bill with our american express card and everyone repaid me in cash, hence we earned a whopping number of points. And to make it sound even better I added that I got a wad of euros without going to an atm and paying a transaction fee. He and I both agreed it was pure genius.

Grads, I know that you regret that you weren’t able to walk across the stage and receive your diploma but graduating from college despite a pandemic is a great metaphor for life. Every success comes with a price tag, like having to lay off workers, cut wages, eliminate positions, or worse, deal with incompetent co-workers and even more incompetent superiors. But remember, the heftier the price tag, the more valuable is the success.

So on a scale of 1 to 10, finishing your senior year via zoom and scoring a job with say, big pharma right before a a global pandemic, rates a solid 10!

You are finally starting to make your life your own. Fill it up with everything you have to. Take risks with investors’ money, force yourself to enjoy playing golf with your boss, and obviously let him win, make yourself eat expensive restaurant meals with dull clients (and don’t forget to order the most expensive bottle on the wine list) feign enthusiasm engaging in overpriced workplace activities, like team building in a napa vineyard. Obviously avoid stupid or irresponsible moves like joining the wrong country club or living in the second best condo building. Winners know safe spaces are the best spaces.

The hard truth is that people learn from failures, not successes, so don’t be afraid or daunted, because you will have them, everyone does, but the important thing is to learn how to pin them on someone else. Failure can change your life for the better if you perfect that one essential skill.

You have a clean slate in front of you, so it’s useful to write down your aspirations, expectations, your dreams, your fears, your goals, all of that stuff. But frankly, that is a big waste of valuable time. Your trajectory is straight up, so there’s no point in thinking about what ifs and possible pitfalls that will never happen.

So, here’s to your first step. Congratulations, and when the pandemic knocks em dead, you’ll be right there to sell the crap out of pharmaceuticals.

corona’s gonna getcha

Obviously as an almighty being you know better than I do, but I have a bad feeling that we are barely into the top of the fifth inning with covid…I guess when I asked whatever diety that might exist to deliver our nation from the clutches of the current resident of the oval office in order to save the country I was hoping for a rather more strategic strike than a pandemic. I didn’t mean killing tens of thousands of innocent (well probably not all of them) people. That really seems sort of heavy handed. I might have to accept some possible responsibility here because I personally don’t believe in the supernatural powers of an all seeing, all knowing being who can magically micro-manage our lives…like please god, make my backordered white cropped jeans get here by friday etc. so it probably got kicked down to some inept mid-level heavenly bureaucrat to take care of. Not to judge but looks like poor management and oversight to say the least.

But as you know, things have gone pretty damned sideways, so I’m hoping that you might get a bit more hands on and do a bit of celestial recalibration. And look, I’m not asking for the whole loaf of bologna here, no resurrections or anything labor intensive like that, just dial it back a couple of notches. Say, knock out child molesters (and don’t skimp on the catholics), sex traffickers, murderers, tax cheats (sorry brother j, but you might be going down), throw in the lazy self-dealing cowards in congress, the confederacy of dunces that constitute the president’s cabinet, oh and pence. Sorry I know he professes to being a believer, but you can’t deny that he’s become just another lying politician, and I hate to point out the obvious, but it looks like he’s more trump fearing than god fearing. So as hard as it is, for the good of mankind, you really gotta pop him too. Frankly, if I were you I would take this personally, because he made a deliberate choice between you and his blind ambition and fealty to a person who certifiably does not know right from wrong.

Stick him in purgatory, he’ll hate that.

Look, you know who should go and who should stay so I won’t offer any more advice. I myself may be thrown under the golden chariot here but so be it. Micro-management isn’t how you roll, which I totally get, but just one more thing, and it’s not a big deal, but if you can swing it, could I weigh 110 lbs. when I go?

we-solation

MJE is sick of being trapped in paradise. Trust me I love seclusion, but with the OB&C right here, right now it’s not really isolation, it’s we-solation. BIG difference.

I keep telling him to go somewhere, anywhere. Take a walk, go fishing, go canoeing, chop down something, clean the gutters, power wash the house, organize the garage, I don’t care as long as you are not right next to me. But you know what I get in response, a goddam guilt trip, why don’t you ever go canoeing with me, why don’t you want to go fishing, why do you always want to walk by yourself…hmmm, I don’t know…maybe because you are driving me insane.

And when I manage to extricate myself, tell him I have a doctor’s appointment (which is occasionally true) and am a bit late, just as I’m getting into the car he’ll stand at the front door and scream, which doctor, where’s his office, how long do you think its going to take? Can you pick up 8 bags of mulch and some swiss cheese while you’re at it. Oh and I have some scripts ready at the pharmacy could you grab those too? And we’re out of 75 watt light bulbs, and toilet paper. And, it looks like we might be getting low on coriander seed so you might want to breeze through the spice aisle and stock up. Oh and I forgot to tell you, I sat in one of those flimsy antique french dining room chairs you had to have and the damned back broke off, so grab some gorilla glue.

When he isn’t stuck to me like a limpet, he loves doing manly potentially dangerous things, like bushwacking up some mountain with absolutely no idea where he’s going (and in one case ending up on an entirely different one than he thought he was on), or digging oysters and sinking 3′ deep in pluff mud without a pole, or diving into an alligator infested pond to retrieve someone’s 8 iron. Stuff like that.

The other night a small tree fell on the house during a storm, he practically wet his pants in excitement (or an enlarged prostate). He evaluated the situation every which way from sunday and came up with what he considered to be the best possible plan; first he would put a ladder under the tree base to hold it up so it wouldn’t crush the shrubbery when it fell, then he’d climb the ladder and saw off the top part that was resting on the roof with a chainsaw and then grab that part with lightening speed (while still holding the chainsaw) before the branches could go through the kitchen window. I listened patiently and said no, that is not what you are going to do. You are going to get on the horn to our pal manfred and see if he can come help you. He mulled that over and grudgingly conceded that it might be a marginally better idea. Later that day manfred arrived with a hand saw. And they managed to get the thing down without anyone sustaining mortal injury, breaking any windows, or crushing the shrubbery.

As manfred was going back to his truck, mission accomplished, he said that in his experience with risk assessment, not using a chain saw always seems like a smarter move. Good thought. Only thing is that the OB&C literally does not know what risk assessment is. It’s just not something he thinks he needs to waste valuable time doing when he could be going balls to the wall on some hair brain scheme.

It’s like the joke about what a redneck’s last words are. “Hey guys watch this!”

corona: together forever, and ever

Whew, MJE and the OB&C are slowly creeping toward the end of our fortnight of forced coronatine and man it is getting to be touch and go. Distance undoubtably makes the heart grow fonder but being stuck together 24/7 is making both of us flatline. In half a century of wedded bliss we’ve certainly had rough patches but this is a goddam sinkhole.

But whatcha gonna do? We try to be good citizens and play by the rules, although the OB&C did commit a major violation several days ago and ventured forth for more wine, but we all understand that, right? Alcohol and drugs, legally prescribed of course, are essential to our mental health and wellbeing, at least mine. One of the only upsides to hurricane katrina was being able to go into a pharmacy and just say I need some xanax and they’d hand them right over, no questions asked. Never thought I’d look back on that experience fondly, but I was wrong.

As mentioned earlier, MJE has been doing zumba classes at home. Well I did two. But now I feel like I’ve been run over by a train, a couple of times. My muscles are so used to disuse that they are incredibly pissed off. I hurt in places I didn’t know I even had. I was going to go for three but I opted for a couple of glasses of rose instead and feel so much better. Not only does it dull the pain but it also dulls whatever resolve I might have had to keep exercising. A twofer.

The OB&C has also decided to get “back in shape” to wit he did ten sit ups yesterday and is now hunched over like cro magnon man, unable to stand erect. Whenever he gets some hair brained idea about working out he hits it like he’s an olympic athlete. He goes to the gym and piles on the weights, does push ups, leg lifts, and his favorite, the plank. He doesn’t get that if his stomach is dragging on the ground it doesn’t count. However, he returns preening like a peacock asking me to punch him in the stomach and feel his biceps. He slaps his belly and declares that it is all muscle. Well if that’s all muscle then I have an ass like jennifer lopez.

Thank god he has his seven year old samsung cell phone. He’s on it like a teenage girl, constantly texting his geezer friends who also obviously have nothing better to do. What is it with these middle aged men, well middle aged if we live to be 140 years old, they seem to have an endless supply of incredibly lame jokes and stupid videos. I dread when he says, hey look at this, because I know it’ll be some redneck jumping into a frozen swimming pool or lighting himself on fire or blowing up a bunch of stuff. Or provoking some wild animal and then running for his life. Sheesh, let the bear eat him and put me out of my misery.

We used to have a book called the darwin awards about people who did such incredibly stupid stuff that they killed themselves in the process, therefore eliminating their genes from the gene pool. It was hilarious in a sick morbid sort of way. Now we can’t trust anyone to be smart enough not to eat a bag of peanuts if they have a peanut allergy. There has to be a warning label on the package in case they didn’t realize there were nuts in there. Or the fad with teenagers eating detergent pods. The manufacturer had to plaster social media with a statement that it is “deeply concerned about intentional and improper use of liquid laundry pacs” and print a warning on the boxes “do not eat!” Wash your laundry stupid.

Good news is we are washing our hands 14 times a day. Bad news is now we can only afford to bathe every other week.

cage fight: zumba vs covid-19

MJE went to the grocery store the other day and was greeted with a sign stating that the store was open for seniors only, between 7am and 8am. Huh? What old geezer, MJE included, gets up and goes to the grocery store at that hour? That’s like saying the store will be open for alcoholics only, between 5pm and 7pm. I can tell you from experience that alcoholics have much better things to do then than go to the grocery store.

I hate to make waves in the midst of this pandemic but allocating the predawn hours to “seniors” smells of ageism if you ask me. Forcing old folks to drag themselves out of bed at ungodly hours just to “protect them” seems like it might cause more damage than good. In the words of our dear leader, the solution should not be worse than the problem, wise, so wise. Imagine us dear fragile seniors being shocked awake by the blare of our big ben alarm clocks, possibly suffering heart attacks or strokes as a result. Has anyone compiled stats on that, no, you know why, because old people are expendable. We’re living too long and sucking medicare and social security dry so the federal bean counters figure if a few more of us drop out then it’s not entirely bad news.

But MJE refuses to succumb to this COVID scourge, this unseen enemy, this vicious economy killer. So today I decided to get off my behind and do some vigorous exercise and join the ranks of active seniors. I found a you tube zumba video, donned my snappy workout togs and hopped on it con mucho gusto. The OB&C, lured by the infectious latin beat, wandered by and ogled the women in their skimpies for a few minutes. He then snarkily remarked that it didn’t look like I was doing the same thing they were, before he ambled on into the kitchen scratching his ass. Screw you buddy, I’d like to see you try this caca. Merengue! Salsa! Cha cha! Mamba! Samba! Andele, andele!!!

After about twenty minutes of stumbling through the routines, I realized that I was actually experiencing all of the symptoms of COVID-19: sweats, shortness of breath, fatigue, body aches, coughing.

I’ve decided that I should just stick to what seems to be most effective: inactivity, excessive drinking and eating and not interacting with anyone, including the OB&C with whom I am in housebound quarantine.

Good news is I found toilet paper online! Bad news is it’s imported from wuhan.

so many wars

In case you may have missed this newsflash, our country is under a withering siege by vicious drug cartels. Those dastardly drug lords think that just because the federal government is tying itself in gordian knots figuring out what the hell to do about COVID-19 that we’ve taken our eye off the real killer here, the scourge of illegal drugs pouring in. And it is a scourge, a real scourge. It’s so true. They are out there lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce on anyone who might be outside going to the grocery, liquor store or pharmacy. Admittedly they have to pounce pretty high if they are on the other side of our 161 mile fence between us and mexcico. Of course, they could get a ladder, or walk around it or scale it like a rock climber. But best not to dwell on scenarios so preposterous that it is inconceivable. Those people are not big thinkers, they just don’t have the brain power, they see a huge wall, and it is huge. You should see it. They see that thing and just turn around and walk back to guatamala.

Do those drug crazed fiends really think that the federal government can’t do two things at once? Fools. At a recent daily COVID-19 gasbag press conference trump trotted out a platoon of grizzled military men, all wearing more medals than mussolini. One by one they kneeled down and licked our dear leader’s wingtips then proceeded to reassure the american public that what with the COVID-19 thing going around it would be highly unlikely anyone would die of a drug overdose before the virus did them in. Naaaah they didn’t, but that would have been sorta funny.

When things just aren’t going your way, like with the wuhan flu, it’s always good to have a back up plan you can point to and say, see this here, I’ve got this. I am all over this. This drug war deal is running like clockwork because I made it. I’m the only one who could have done this extraordinary thing that nobody ever tried before. Never even tried. Can you believe it? This incredible team, america’s military might, under my command, have accomplished something no one believed could happen. Totally amazing. Years from now, people will still be talking about it. He went on to hail himself as a wartime president, right up there with washington, lincoln, and roosevelt, except even better. He’s having to fight two wars at the same time, like one isn’t enough work. Not only does he have the drug war, which is going really, really well but he’s also got the chinese flu, the unseen enemy. So tough to fight an unseen enemy, you can’t see em, it’s like they’re invisible. It’s tough, very tough. But he can do it all.

the colossal corona cockup

Corona Cockup

We know we are in deep dung when we are forced to rely on governors and local authorities to control a pandemic. You know, those jokers who never seem to do anything except line their pockets and appoint relatives to the payroll. But sadly, that’s about all we’ve got to get us through this clusterfuck. Obviously the feds are incapable of organizing a bingo game, much less responding to a worldwide health crisis.

But el president assures us that things are going to be solved “fast, rapidly and quickly”. Who can argue with three words that mean the same thing. He has a really good feeling about an amazing, fantastic drug called chloroquine, but some people add another word in front of it, hydroxy, so it sounds like hydroxychloroquine. It’s a huge word for a fantastic drug which has been around a long time, a long time. It definitely won’t hurt you because it has been used for many, many years. It has not been tried on the chinese virus, or wuhan flu as some people call it, but it has worked on many, many other things. It started out as a medicine to treat malaria (FYI malaria is not a virus, it is caused by a protozoan parasite that invades red blood cells and causes intermittent fevers) but he’s heard from many, many people that hydroxychloroquine works for lots of different things, because it is a real miracle drug, a fantastic, unbelievable drug, unbelievable. People can’t believe it. He has heard many incredible stories that people have used it for lots of things: tennis elbow, eczema, toenail fungus, alopecia and so many other things. It’s really a miracle.

Of course there are always some really dumb people who just can’t get it right. Some bozo died after he ate a bunch of his wife’s fish food, because he saw that chloroquine was in it, who does that? Someone who actually listened to el president about what an amazing drug it is? Talk about stupid.

Fortunately, we have our pre-eminent health officials available to offer their sage advice. You know who they are, the people who stand behind the president during his press conferences looking like they all have stockholm syndrome. There’s dr. birxs with her pained smile and fab scarves, dr, fauci who will most certainly lose all of his teeth if he clenches his jaws any tighter, and of course, the stone faced vp pants, the monotone milquetoast, master of the mid-distance stare, commander of the corona virus space force and fall guy when this shitshow goes sideways. I’m no towering intellect but it sure looks like we’re on a pretty steep tilt right now. His stupor-inducing delivery, punctuated by a minimum of at least a dozen rhapsodic shout outs to his dear leader, is concluded with his waving the 15 days to “slow the spread” card which we are all advised to heed. Imagine having all of the information you need to know on how to stop a pandemic on an 8” X 10” laminated card! That’s american know how!

The fact that all of the governmental poohbahs responsible for containing this virus are standing cheek by jowl seems to send a somewhat contradictory message about social distancing. Our dear leader has made a pretty dramatic pivot from this is a nothing burger concocted by the democrats, to yeah we have a few cases but I can solve it in a few days, to there are more cases but we have this totally under control, to holy shit look at the stock market…and that was the moment when the economic, not physical, pain caused by this pandemic began to penetrate el presidente’s thick skull and dull mind. It was only then that he finally listened to whatever clear-eyed advisors he still has and took another tack, assuming the mantle of a “wartime president” facing an unseen enemy….oooooo. So brave, so courageous, so decisive!

However, instead of “all we have to fear is fear itself” coming from our commander in chief, we’ve got “quit whining and fend for yourselves.” And, ever the victim, trump stated that the country was out of bullets when he took office, like real bullets but now we have more bullets than any other country in the world. An amazing number of bullets, so many bullets. What’s up with the bullets? Are we supposed to shoot ourselves out of this thing?

And it’s all obama’s fault.

ten out of ten

So let’s see where we are with our pal COVID-19….uh, in the crapper? Okay, I’ll take a more positive view and say we aren’t yet at the very bottom of the can, but we’re on our way there.

According to our president of alternative reality, he is on this like beans on rice. He has rated his performance as ten out of ten, while simultaneously stating that he is not responsible for any of the bad bits.

He pronounced that not only can everyone who wants a test, get one, but more important, he’s gonna offer every registered voter who tests negative a two nights for the price of one at mar-a-lago! What a fabulous deal! And if you are over sixty and get your test within the next 24 hours he’ll throw in a free round of golf. Only he can make such an amazing offer. Most of the flights into miami have been cancelled so top off the tank (gas is getting cheaper!) and hit the road boomers. Just like the old days!! Woohoo! Road trip!!!

And although what’s left of his health team were instructing people to self-quarantine, practice social distancing and not to assemble in groups of more than ten, he assured his fans that his rally events in toledo, detroit and chicago are still a go. He cautioned people to arrive early as the lines will be very long. To ensure everyone’s safety, each attendee will receive a make america clean again bottle of hand sanitizer as a souvenir. These rallies promise to be really, really great and people should definitely come and bring along their voting age family members!

Meanwhile in the real world cities are shutting down schools, restaurants and bars and workers are being sent home as businesses close. But all is not lost, jarred, despite his total lack of expertise is on the job as the recently appointed czar de corona, coordinating all of daddy in law’s fictional rapid response to the pandemic, Jarred, aka wonder boy, already has a pretty hefty work load: achieving a middle east peace accord, moving israel’s capitol to jerusalem, supervising the government’s response to the opioid crisis, criminal justice reform, and liaison to mexico, china and the muslim community. So I guess he’s batting like 125. Not so good. But despite his amazing capabilities, real and imagined, he is unable to turn back the hands of time. Nor is he capable of coordinating the federal government’s shambolic response to what was a wholly predictable situation. The one thing he does have is a half empty building at 666 fifth avenue which he will be happy to lease out for additional hospital capacity, obviously at well above market value, given the current situation. America first!

the blame game!

Let’s get to it because I’m pretty goddam busy, first I want you fake news deep state morons to take a good look and see that I am wearing my awesome flight jacket with the presidential seal to show that I am totally in control of this corona crap. I only wear it when people are stupidly over-reacting to natural disasters, or other stuff. It is a signal that I am in control, which is totally true. It takes something pretty damn big for me to put away my red power tie and shiny blue suit, like a round of golf at mar a lago, that hurricane disaster hoax in puerto rico (remember my amazing athletic skills throwing those paper towels) or walking around on one of our awesome aircraft carriers. And I gotta say they are really really huge, I watched top gun about fifty times so I know pretty much everything about aircraft carriers but it kinda surprised me that they were so huge. They looked a lot smaller in the movie.

But we all know why I’m here, to find someone to blame for this goddam corona virus mess. First off it’s pretty obvious that china started this to get back at us for the trade tariffs. I mean why else would they deliberately let a bunch of infected people loose to spread this thing all over the world. I never trusted those chinks, but I never thought they’d pull a stunt like this. I should have gone with my gut but some of my advisors said do the trade deal, and as everyone knows I never walk away from a deal. This one wasn’t as wildly successful as all of my other deals, because I was stupid and listened to those idiots. Don’t worry, they’ve all been fired so that won’t happen again.

I think south korea is definitely in on this too as payback for my love affair with kim chee un. They really hate him and resent that we are totally bffs. You might notice that there are zero cases reported from north korea, right? You know why, because their dear leader takes great care of his people and wouldn’t let any of them get sick. God, what a guy and role model.

Then there are those lazy ass europeans, who spend most of their time drinking wine and smoking cigarettes. With that lifestyle they were really asking for it. I heard that the average european only bathes once a month, can you imagine the filth, no wonder there are loads of germs there. Probably more germs than anywhere else in the world. It’s disgusting. Plus they have horrible health care, you know why, because they give it to everybody. Ever heard of the commie “universal health care” that burnie, wore-on and that hottie abc or whatever her name is are always pushing. Well, that’s what you get. I can pretty much guarantee that that will never happen in america as long as I am in charge which will be until 2024 unless I change the constitution, which I can totally do as president, and run for a third term.

I hate to say this, because you all know how I really believe in science and research stuff, but man those dopes at who and the cdc really pulled a boner on this thing. What the hell have they been doing since january when they first heard about this mess. Sitting around staring into their microscopes, writing phoney articles on their dumb experiments or whining about how they can’t do anything because I took away the money they were wasting on trained personnel and lab shit. What a bunch of losers.

But I guess I better talk about the stock market. People are so stupid. Don’t they understand that now is the time to buy? Any idiot who went to economy school knows that. And you know who made stocks a once in a lifetime bargain, so the average working guy living paycheck to paycheck can get into the game? Me. Because only I can do it.

my my my corona

Trump: Welcome to the first meeting of the world famous trump corona virus task force. Even though I know more than anybody about this thing, I mean you can’t even see the damn thing, so who know if it even exists, probably not. But many people really, really wanted to get on in this deal so my son in law, jared, pushed me to act presidential and just let a few folks in on it, even though I don’t need any advice, especially from those stupid science nerds. You should be really proud to be helping me get through this so the stock markets don’t tank any more. It’s terrific to have all of you hot babes and guys here to uh, sort of, you know figure out what the heck this thing is, if it’s even real, which I doubt. Me and my advisors are pretty damn sure that this whole virus business is just a hoax or a probably a plot by the democrats to make me lose the election. I mean how low can those commies go, killing lots of people, just to get me out of office. Pathetic and sad.

Before we start solving this thing, which I hope will probably take about 20 minutes, tops, because it’s eating into my executive time which is not a good thing, in fact it’s a very, very bad thing. So let’s get going, put on your thinking caps, and start pouring cold water on this hot mess. As you know, I have appointed my vp mike pence to head this. There are a bunch of reasons I did this, he prayed really hard back in indiana to stop the hiv aids and opioid thing. He prayed for more than a month, and boy can he pray, you should see it. Unfortunately, his amazing praying didn’t stop it so he set up a needle deal so those faggot dope fiends didn’t share their needles and screw up other people. Of course, if you hang around with bad dudes, you kind of deserve what you get, and lots more people died while mike was praying his ass off. But that was a very good thing because it got rid of a whole lot of low lifes that didn’t deserve to be in a great state like indiana anyway. Plus if things go sideways, he’s the fall guy.

Before we get this thing going I’d like you to introduce yourselves. So, let’s start with the sizzling hottie to my right.

Hi y’all, my name is tiffany talbot, I am super excited to be here. I am a sophomore at ole miss so I was pretty surprised to get a call from mr pence asking me to be on the team. I am doing a double major in kinesthesiology, I know that’s a real big word but it means I am studying how people move, it’s super cool and lots of fun, and also art. I like to draw so that’s good. I am also on the cheerleading squad which takes a lot of time but is so worth it. It keeps me in really good shape and everyone is super nice. I think I can help, showing how people can move to stay healthy. Art is important, especially when you’re sick and in bed and feeling down.

Hey guys, my name is brad bradley and I work in the maintenance department of the cdc. I graduated from sinclair community college and was totally blown away when mr pence called me and asked if I could be part of this space force. I see a lot of doctors and nurses in the halls when I am on my way to fix the air conditioning or plumbing or something and they look really cool, and serious. My boss was totally understanding about taking time off even though he told me that I have to use all of my sick and vacation days and when they are used up I won’t get paid. So let’s get this rocket ship off the ground and cure this crona thing fast because I am super psyched to go to destin for spring break. Woo hoo!

Good morning, my name is frank williams and I worked in the infectious disease and world global threat department at the nsa until 2015 when our entire team was let go. I have an undergraduate degree from harvard in microbiology and a masters and phd in public health and epidemiology from johns hopkins. Under president obama we were very prepared…

Trump interrupts telling frank to quit bragging, whispers to pence that he should have screened this guy and he’s not happy, and that we need to keep the meeting moving…a few more introductions follow then mr trump turns the meeting over to mike pence who, as always was sitting staring stoically at the back of trump’s hairdo looking like he’s passing a kidney stone.

Pence: Well, I thank you, and your country thanks you for stepping up to work on this task force. Before we get started, please review the agenda. As you see, we have slotted in 15 minutes for group prayer so please join hands and bow your heads.

Dear god, please perform a miracle, as foretold by our president, and make this thing go away. We have no idea what we’re doing, which has been successful these past few years, but now we need a little divine intervention. Lord, I know you are busy, well aren’t we all, and everyone’s wanting you to help them but this situation seems worse than the kavanaugh thing (and btw thanks for really coming through for us with that shit show) so if you could pencil in a bit of time to knock this virus out that would be so great. And just so you know, if a million people in china, south korea or iran die we are okay with that. Thanks loads. Amen.