cage fight: zumba vs covid-19

MJE went to the grocery store the other day and was greeted with a sign stating that the store was open for seniors only, between 7am and 8am. Huh? What old geezer, MJE included, gets up and goes to the grocery store at that hour? That’s like saying the store will be open for alcoholics only, between 5pm and 7pm. I can tell you from experience that alcoholics have much better things to do then than go to the grocery store.

I hate to make waves in the midst of this pandemic but allocating the predawn hours to “seniors” smells of ageism if you ask me. Forcing old folks to drag themselves out of bed at ungodly hours just to “protect them” seems like it might cause more damage than good. In the words of our dear leader, the solution should not be worse than the problem, wise, so wise.  Imagine us dear fragile seniors being shocked awake by the blare of our big ben alarm clocks, possibly suffering heart attacks or strokes as a result. Has anyone compiled stats on that, no, you know why, because old people are expendable. We’re living too long and sucking medicare and social security dry so the federal bean counters figure if a few more of us drop out then it’s not entirely bad news.

But MJE refuses to succumb to this COVID scourge, this unseen enemy, this vicious economy killer. So today I decided to get off my behind and do some vigorous exercise and join the ranks of active seniors. I found a you tube zumba video, donned my snappy workout togs and hopped  on it con mucho gusto. The OB&C, lured by the infectious latin beat, wandered by and ogled the women in their skimpies for a few minutes. He then snarkily remarked that it didn’t look like I was doing the same thing they were, before he ambled on into the kitchen scratching his ass. Screw you buddy, I’d like to see you try this caca. Merengue! Salsa! Cha cha! Mamba! Samba! Andele, andele!!!

After about twenty minutes of stumbling through the routines, I realized that I was actually experiencing all of the symptoms of COVID-19:  sweats, shortness of breath, fatigue, body aches, coughing.

I’ve decided that I should just stick to what seems to be most effective: inactivity, excessive drinking and eating and not interacting with anyone, including the OB&C with whom I am in housebound quarantine.

Good news is I found toilet paper online! Bad news is it’s imported from wuhan.