Pandemonized no mo’

What can I say, MJE has been lanquishing during this uncertain time, besides being a people killer COVID is also a creativity killer. Can you believe it, mje’s formerly inexhaustible fount of creative flair has been decimated. Poof. Gone. Nada. Tragic. But the good news is that I have every reason to be hopeful that the spark will be reignited and once again the world will be privy to mje’s irreverent view of its monumentally moronic populace.

So to recap….let’s see, when mje last surfaced, the conald & co had been defeated for re-election…and to put it mildly, conald did not take it well, as described in a prior post. But aside from that, there’s the aforementioned pandemic whose origin is still being debated. The first theory was that it was the result of people in china eating infected bats. But hold on here, everyone knows that the safe internal meat temperature for poultry and game is 165 degrees, however a bat is a flying mammal so it’s in a sort of grey area but certainly should not be served rare, not to mention raw. If you want to eat raw meat head to france and order a plateful of steak tartare, don’t eat a bat. I mean who does that, you’re at the market and looking over your options….hmm not sure what I’m hungry for, chicken lips, duck feet, snake and frites…no, you know what I am totally craving is bat, bag up a dozen, I’m having friends over for dinner.

We’ve slogged through a year or so of this nightmare, resulting in death and disease unheard of for a century. But also a forced isolation with one’s nearest and dearest, resulting in record numbers of familial schisms and separations and divorces for those who realized that their significant others were not in fact the loves of their lives but insufferable jerks. As if that weren’t enough, a shortage of toilet paper made even wiping your ass a bone of contention. Then an antiseptic shortage, which mje cleverly avoided by stocking up on everclear, which has a higher percentage of alcohol than rubbing alcohol, with a bonus feature…you can drink it! if going blind and nuts isn’t a problem. Your call…

But all of that has been resolved, the companies that diverted production of their normal products to making masks are now stuck with tens of millions of something that people will never, ever want to see again. Quick tip, send them all to india and take the write off. As the repub’s rising star, marjorie taylor green bean said, mask mandates are the just same as making jews wear gold stars (they were yellow but whatever) and being shipped off to gas chambers. Now, that babe definitely has the lack of intellect and gift for idiotic hyperbole that will hasten her bob right to the top of the gop toilet bowl.

But enough of that, let’s get down to mje. This past week was deferred maintenance week. Mje had two fillings drilled out and replaced, and a leaking windshield fixed.  I also had an appointment with my oncologist. However, I made the cardinal error of asking him how he was. He must have thought I was actually interested, I mean like duh, right? Depressed, he responded and spent the next 35 minutes droning on about his pandemic lot in life. I finally had to interrupt and remind him that I am not his therapist, I’m his patient, and he’s whining on my dime. Dejected, he was about to walk out when I asked if he didn’t need to do an exam, he reluctantly turned around and asked me to disrobe from the waist up (I guess gone are the days of asking about my health, or offering some privacy and a robe, not to mention having a female assistant in the room) and he performed a half-hearted exam and made for the door.  As I was getting  dressed, I asked how my lab work was, and in an eeyore-ish voice, head down he muttered “fine” and left. I guess I should look at his lack of interest as a paradoxical sign of my good health, otherwise he’d be more attentive, right?

Then to finish off the week I had a colonoscopy! and I can assure you that that was the last one I will ever have in my life. However, now I know exactly what percentage of mje is total crap. Must have been a bad week for those in the medical profession, because the nurse was also not on her game. As she inserted the iv, she said  “That was a great vein but darn if I didn’t go right through it so we’ll need to give it another try and you’ll probably have a pretty big bruise.” My forearms are 95% veins for god’s sake, helen keller could get a needle in one of them. But before we started the “procedure” and I got good juice, I told the doc I had a gastroenterologist joke (and trust me they’re not many of those around) and told them that years ago when you’d call the  GI department at tulane med center the receptionist would answer “anus, rectum and colon!” (coincidentally also the name of giulianai’s law firm). Thought it would get a bigger laugh, but I guess if you have chosen a profession in which you spend all day looking up people’s bum holes you may not appreciate being the butt of a joke.

Bada-boom.