my jaundiced eye

MJE’s persian carpet

So another year come and gone without much to show for it. Fortunately, I have such very low expectations for myself that merely being awake for a time, then being asleep for a time and repeating that every 24 hours or so is enough. It’s great, I am never disappointed. Although I did just read the phantom tollbooth (which was hilarious and thought provoking, but not sure that in this day and age when language is limited to 140 characters it would be understood by most children, or some adults, SAD) and it gave me a momentary twinge about being such a physical and intellectual sloth. But nothing came of it.

As I write, the OB&C is on the phone relating to yet another person the tragic tale of his stolen truck. I would have thought that by now everyone on the planet must have heard about it, but apparently mike in mumbai didn’t yet get the news so is being subjected to the extra long version. He made the fatal mistake of begging the question “how may I help.” If mike’s paid by the call he just blew a whole night’s worth of rupees.

The other day MJE was reading an article from the new york times to the OB&C about melanoma trump’s new cause: cyber-bullying. He looked puzzled. After a long minute or so he turned and asked what exactly is “cyber-bullion.” That my friends, is a question only the gods can answer.

We’ve had the atl circus in town for a bit. Decibelle has made terrific strides and has become a creative and engaging child at long last. And just as forrest gump was always running, she is always skipping, which is a pretty nice thing in and of itself. Anywho, last night she was sitting at the kitchen table with her chin in her hands, musing about something or other and asked me if my mother was alive and I said no (I think knot and alhambra refer to death as being in heaven with the angels, which is surely not where my mother is, that I can tell you), then she asked if my father was alive and I said no. She digested that for a bit and piped up “you don’t have a mommy and you don’t have a daddy so I guess that’s why you have a husband.” Out of the mouths of babes. Except she has it backwards, that’s why men have wives.

In the spirit of a new year, I thought MJE should try to move beyond a silly blog toward something more substantial . But then I remembered the article in the recent new yorker about ruth draper who wrote and performed short vignettes in the early twentieth century. Later in life she met henry james and asked him if he thought she should go to drama school and pursue a conventional career as an actress. She recalled that “He took a long time to answer,” then lowered his voice and said “no — my dear child. You –– you have woven your own — you have woven your own beautiful — beautiful little persian carpet. Stand on it!” And so I shall.

MJE wishes all of her loyal followers a better than average new year but short of that may the end of 2017 find us no worse off than we are today.

Low expectations.

all in the family

Okay so MJE was going to give p.e.t. a pass this week on his cabinet choices, but how can I pass up ben carson’s touting his having once lived in public housing as a child as qualifying him to head up the department of housing and urban development. Well with that low bar of skill sets as a template MJE puts forth for consideration the following candidates to round out the conald’s cabinet.

Let’s start with secretary of state. The conald is looking for someone who will minimize diplomacy and establish more “transactional” ties to other countries. On its face that seems to indicate that he would approach every alliance with an eye to cost vs benefit and winners vs losers. Even if that means that we disengage from nato because, in his mind, there are members whom he feels do not pay their fair share. The fact that this policy might well lead to the proliferation of nuclear capabilities by countries to protect themselves from aggressive neighbors doesn’t not seem to be of concern. In fact, the conald says have at it and may the best arsenal win. Respectful cooperation is for losers.

So with that in mind MJE puts forth decibelle for the position. Her weaponry consists of just one extremely powerful weapon: her vocal chords. With one diamond-shattering howl she can bring an entire household (or grocery store, school room or if necessary, an american adversary) to its knees without a drop of blood being shed or a dollar spent. Talk about cost effective! She, like p.e.t. never concedes defeat and does not stop until she bends others to her will. Putin, abbas, kim jung il…run for cover and a pair of earplugs. You are doomed.

Now, let’s take a look at commerce. I hesitate to be so bold as to put my name forward, but frankly I am totally qualified. MJE spends an inordinate amount of time engaged in it, amazon, ebay, etsy…I know them all better than anyone else. I endure their unrelenting onslaught of advertising algorithms and emails without submission and in fairness, do buy locally whenever possible. That is when the price is lower, availability is better and ease of purchase is superior, which unfortunately means not much.

Secretary of the interior is a slam dunk: daughter albatross, If anyone cares more about the interior, that is her own, then no one does. She is dedicated to that cause to the exclusion of everything else.

Secretary of defense, see above re: decibelle.

National security advisor: ditto.

Secretary of transportation, alhambra our lsd (long suffering daughter in law) would be an excellent choice. She spends hours every day on our country’s crumbling roads and bridges toting her offspring hither and thither. A battle tested road warrior, she will insure that the infrastructure improvements required to make her carpools easier and drive times shorter will be given top priority.

Head of the faa: Son knot seems a good pick, he travels for business a lot and not on some tricked out private jet. He feels the pain of american flyers, the ridiculous hub and spoke system, the inflated flight times to cover delays and enable airlines to crow about their on-time records, the seemingly endless array of surcharges, the cramped seating and surly service, not to mention the disgusting flying public who dress as though they are either headed to bed or just woke up and haven’t had a chance to shower. The last bit is probably out of the purview of the federal government but MJE thought she’d throw that in because something really needs to be done about it.

Small business administration obviously goes to the OB&C. He has managed to assiduously keep our business small through outmoded product lines, inflated salaries, inadequate employee oversight, understaffing and inertia. A perfect fit for running a governmental agency.

Frankly, MJE is pretty sure I could fill the entire cabinet with members of my family and the country wouldn’t be any worse off than with the current picks. Admittedly none of us has any governmental experience or know how but that does not seem to be a prerequisite for appointment anyway.

Just like the family trump.

the conald’s cabinet of escoriosities

the-conalds-cabinet

MJE is watching in horror and despair at the conald’s cabinet choices. Big time climate change denier at EPA, minimum wage opponent at labor, and generals in every other post so far including one who traffics in fake news…does anyone smell a coup of some sort brewing, oh, right that already happened. On the bright side, and as my loyal readers know full well, MJE is nothing if not the eternal optimist, it is really, really fun to see the conald summon his former rivals and detractors to the top of his dung heap on fifth avenue, tease them with the notion that they night get a place at the table, then gleefully throw them to the wolves. But not before they they have abandoned their purported strong principles, very publicly ruined their reputations and proved themselves to be nothing more than craven, pathetic, sniveling, opportunistic politicians. How much fun do you think the conald is having watching this spectacle? For him there is nothing better than the sweet smell of revenge, except perhaps Trump Cologne for Men.

But it probably doesn’t matter whom he chooses, because as one talking head said, every one of them will simply be undersecretary to ivanka&jared inc. Good god almighty, how did the greatest nation on the planet (as we like to call ourselves) end up with a troika of a trash talking, know nothing buffoon, his spookily placid daughter (who btw talks like she is still wearing a retainer and has maxed out on xanax) and her behind the scenes puppet master husband running the show? As they say in limbo land: “How low can you go?” Well, the answer my friends, is self-evident: pretty damned low.

And I haven’t even gotten to the conflict of interest part…the conald the president is now also the conald the landlord of his d.c. hotel, as well as the boss of the boss of the irs which is currently purportedly auditing his income taxes. Also our head of state with the ability and willingness to put the profitability of his companies before the best interests of the country. He allows his daughter to sit in on a diplomatic visit from the pm of japan whilst her company is in negotiation with a major japanese distributor of her trashy wares which happens to be largely owned by the japanese government. And now it has been reported that the conald will remain as executive producer on the apprentice reality show therefore sharing in the profits. Honestly, even stanley kubrick couldn’t make up a comedy this dark.

But as the aphorism goes, you get the government you deserve. When the coal mines don’t reopen, the steel mills don’t fire back up, the mexicans are still here, the muslims aren’t banned, the country isn’t majority white, companies and jobs still leave the country for cheaper places to operate and america is not in fact any greater than it is right now, don’t look at me.

And if things maybe actually get worse for the very people who put their foolish hopes and dreams in the hands of a man who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about any of them then I could go on twitter and say I told you so, if it weren’t so truly trumpian.

SAD

The OB&C, as my loyal readers know, has recently suffered possibly the greatest loss in his life, short of his libido, the theft of his 2001 chevy silverado truck (273,428 miles). Initially he was virtually comatose, lying face down, christ-like, in the empty driveway wallowing in the last lingering puddle of transmission fluid, his sole remaining link to his beloved v6.

This catastrophe befell him on the friday before thanksgiving which he and MJE were to enjoy a deux (for the first time in almost half a century, no parents, children, grandchildren or other troublesome family members) in south carolina. MJE was meanwhile doing yeoman’s duty in atl watching the three gk’s: decibelle, apricot and seymour for the weekend when this dastardly deed was done. I was therefore unable to help pry him off the cement, wipe his filthy face and drag him into the apartment to suffer, away from the prying eyes of the neighbors. This situation, despite my physical absence, demanded immediate action requiring feats of psychological manipulation and financial slight of hand not seen since the demise of bernie madoff. No time to stand idly by and watch this unfortunate occurrence derail the historic thanksgiving to be, not to mention render our insanely expensive budget-busting mail order “heritage” turkey undeliverable. When I heard the terrifying words “You will need to fly down here, I cannot leave.” the four horsemen of the apocalypse nipping at my ass could not have made me move any faster.

As much as MJE loathes technology, there are times of crisis when it can make the difference between success and abject failure, like when you can upload a term paper on the reformation the day before it is due. Autotrader.com. was created for times like these. In minutes I had located a perfectly suitable replacement in the nola environs, contacted the sales manager, negotiated a price and issued explicit instructions that the OB&C was to be sold this truck and no other. If he wasn’t the new owner of that truck by closing time the deal was off. Furthermore, if I were made to fly down there, I would make it my business to pay him a call and assured him that a visit from an enraged MJE was the last thing he would want. The guy seemed suitably impressed with the menacing tone of my directive that he assured me he would fully comply.

Next step was to rouse the OB&C from his immobilizing melancholia and get him to the dealership. I tantalized him with a link to the new truck, which at least got him off the pavement. As much as any man mourns the loss of his old truck, or wife for that matter, the notion of a newer model is pretty enticing. So like any small child, the possibility of getting a desired toy can overcome even the strongest resistance to a bath, or a wee wee before a long drive; the lure of the smell of new vinyl ultimately proved more powerful than the familiar stench of dirty hunting socks and bug repellent.

And so the OB&C has turned the page but has not yet fully recovered, and probably never will. That old chevy will always be part of him and the driveway cement.

In the end he and the turkey arrived in time and we had a perfectly awful thanksgiving.

a devastating loss

It is with an extremely heavy heart that MJE has to inform my readers of a devastating loss suffered by the OB&C. On Saturday last his beloved 2001 S150 chevy truck was stolen from the driveway in nola in an act that can only be described as wantonly malicious, cruel and idiotic. His agony was compounded by the fact that he had within the truck triple backups to everything he might need should he suffer a zombie attack or the apocalypse. Plus his spare keys to not only the truck but to every other lock he has ever come into contact with during the course of his lifetime, including but not limited to his lab at the university of washington from 1988, his lab at tulane dating from 1992, his prior truck, a ford ranger which was melted down in 1996, three boat sheds, a storage unit, the current lab, the apartment, two houses (well four if you include the two houses we used to own), two gates, his bike and a friend’s roof rack.

If memory serves, he also had three tire jacks, a large collection of music cassette tapes, about twelve bungee cords, copies of the home loan statements of two houses, a six pack of paper shop towels, two or three cans of wd-40, graphite, motor oil, gasoline additive, jumper cables, tow cables, a battery tester, three large boxes of tools, a 12’X16’ tarp, an air compressor, a rain poncho, a pair of hunting chest waders and assorted cammo attire, orange plastic hunting tape, two air horns, a bag of satsumas, a three pack of beanie weenies, a couple of quarts of gator aid, several rolls of duct and masking tape, a case of bottled water, bug spray, a big tube of gold bond exzema cream, at least five chap sticks, sharpies, lots of flashlights and extra batteries, ball point pens, small notebooks for jotting down brilliant thoughts, tire gauges, a box of extra large contractor bags, and last but not least checks for a total of $53K which were endorsed and ready for deposit in the company account, on the dashboard. If we’re lucky he didn’t have a copy of his social security card and the folder with all of our passwords in there, but I wouldn’t be surprised.

If there are seven stages of grief, the OB&C has strung that out to at least eighty-two and he’s still on number one. When he noticed that the truck was missing, after having ridden his bike by the empty driveway twice, he borrowed a neighbor’s car and drove all over town looking for it. He even followed some poor man whose truck sort of looked like his but not really, honking and flashing his lights but lost him on the expressway. He is now convinced it was stolen by an hispanic who has now driven it to guatamala where he believes that that particular make, model and year are in very high demand. How he got that notion into his head is anyone’s guess, but I can guarantee that no one will ever be able to disabuse him of it.

The good news is we don’t think the truck was damaged in the heist as there was no broken glass on the empty parking spot. The thief was obviously not only a professional but also extremely clever as he managed to find the hide a key ingeniously hidden under the driver’s side wheel hub. Just goes to show, no mater how shrewd you are, there is always someone who is one step ahead.

MJE is worn out just describing this ordeal and I haven’t even gotten to the part about getting the OB&C out of his state of suspended animation and onto the next stage of grief. Stay tuned, it’s riveting. And exhausting. I need a drink.

president-elect trump

So working my way through the stages of grief after the election of the conald as president. I don’t even know what the stages are but I am pretty sure that I am not very far along. Trying to read the tea leaves in the conald’s selection of members of his transition team which is a crazy quilt of insiders, outsiders and know-nothings. MJE was heartened that the omnipresent campaign sycophant and speech background obscurer c biggie c was summarily dumped from the team’s top teir. May have something to do with the fact that he indicted, convicted and sentenced the conald’s son-in-law’s father to a rather long stretch in the pen for some sort of criminal malfeasance. I suppose it made him feel like a big-shot at the time but turns out it was a big shot in the foot. Ouch.

So the good mr pence has stepped in to oversee the ragtag lot. Better watch his step, don’t want to step on any of those trumpets toes…I’m no historian but I would venture to guess that this is the first presidential transition team that has the children of the candidate as primary advisors, because there are no competent professional governmental experts to rely on? MJE can only speculate that perhaps their primary job is to keep daddy from appointing anyone to key white house positions that might be beyond the pale.

Mission impossible. Blood may be thicker than water but not thick enough in politics. Crazier heads have prevailed and steve bannon, ceo of breitbart news a leading purveyor of alt-right news who helped the conald “hone his message” of anti-immigrant, anti-muslim, misogyny etc. has been picked to become “chief strategist.” For a man so obsessed with image, it seems odd that the conald would choose someone who looks like he was just dragged out of a skid row gutter.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but the conald’s vagaries in staff appointments, in addition to his total ignorance of the basics of governance is truly frightening. His support for far right wing ideology has latinos, gays, muslims and those who condemn hate speech protesting and fearing for their future and the future of their country.

On the other hand, the government has managed to do almost nothing for the last four years so let’s just hope that trend continues. #stasisrocks!

and the winner is…

and the winner is....-1.jpg

oh no! bama care

MJE is going to take a quick commercial break from politics and tackle another topic just this once. Obama care.

This program is in the headlines right now because it has been announced that premiums may go up as much as twenty five percent in the coming year…. AAAAGGGGHHH….zombies are on the front porch, help me! They’re eating my dog and tromping on my landscaping!

I’m not sure where people get their health insurance but from a lifetime of paying premiums to BC/BS I can state without fear of contradiction that my premiums rose about 20% on average every year. And hello, did I hear anyone screaming about it, no I didn’t because the fact of the matter is that insurance companies of every stripe have you by the short hairs. What are you going to do, say screw you and get insurance somewhere else…oops, then you get into the whole pre-existing condition fun house, or the you’re pretty old to be shopping around septic tank, or whatever other excuse they can haul out to either deny you coverage or to charge you ten times what your current provider does. Better the devil you know than the one you don’t. And when they get tired of you because you actually filed a claim, you’re dropped like one of the conald’s wives…I was lucky enough to get sick when I was 64, maxed out my annual and lifetime deductions and finally got a portion of my pound of flesh out of my long and costly association with BC/BS…and the best part of it was that as of 1/1/16 I was on medicare and they couldn’t drop me…and people don’t believe in karma?

But BTW, medicare ain’t no picnic either, lower premiums, really? Single payer!!!! Woo hoo!!!! By the time I pay the regular (income adjusted) premium, add the extra part Z to cover the dreaded “donut hole” and the prescription add-on I am at about 140% of what I was paying BC/BS. Which unbeknownst to me is not even available to those of us who have survived long enough to enjoy our golden years unless we are covered by a major corporate insurance plan. You’re in, like it or not. Wanna contest a claim denial, opt for an IRS audit instead, it’s far less labor intensive and stressful.

So the conald (commercial break is over kids) is touting (or trouting in the vernacular) the tired repeal and replace trope. Part of his plan is to offer health savings accounts. Yo, dono! head’s up, HSA’s have been around for decades…and they are great. You sign up for a high deductible health insurance plan and you sock away $5K or so a year into an account that is untaxed as long as you pay medical bills with the funds. But, just so you know, that $5K doesn’t arrive on your doorstep like a publisher’s clearinghouse sweepstakes check, you actually have to have the money to put in there. So say you’re living on $50K a year before taxes, does it seem likely that you might have a spare 10% of your gross income to put in an HSA? Thanks for the thoughtful and incisive input conald.

Then there is the “erasing of state lines” thing…not sure about other providers but BC/BS seems to cover medical expenses incurred over state lines without a problem as long as your doctor is within the BC/BS network. Admittedly, coverage expenses can vary greatly from state to state so MJE is going to give the conald a passing grade for that, although he get’s an f for originality.

I can’t actually remember what the other parts of his plan were because when he reads from the teleprompter it’s like watching a hostage video, and I have to turn it off and lie down.

But the upshot of the conald’s plan is that everyone is going to have great, really great medical care for a low, really low price and we’re all going to beat the house at black jack. Speaking of which, how does a casino lose money…seriously, how does that happen? Maybe we’ll find out if the conald gets his hands on the us treasury’s checkbook…

@weiner

Jumpin’ jehohsaphat! is MJE the only person on earth, besides bernie, who is sick to death of shrillary’s emails. I thought we were (mixed metaphor alert!) in the home stretch and this chinese water torture of an election was almost over …but noooooo, there was one more curve ball no one saw coming…an intimation of further deception surfaced courtesy of the fbi, a byproduct of of their investigation into a sexual pervert, a man called weiner, who likes to send crotch shots of himself in his unmentionables to underage girls. And just to update any of MJE’s readers who may have recently crawled out of a cave without wifi , weiner is married to huma abedin, shrillary’s closest aide. Huma may or may not have exchanged emails with shrillary on weiner’s laptop, no pun intended, which is now in the hands of the feds.What does it say about us as a society that the groins of three men have figured so prominently in this election cycle.

MJE’s thinks the american public is totally missing the most important and mind boggling aspect of this tawdry tale.

A communal computer? What is this 1981? Seriously, people who can’t afford to feed their kids have their own computers…homeless people go to starbucks for the free wifi…every worker in every cubicle has a computer (or smart phone) squirreled away to secretly play fantasy football on the boss’s dime. There is a darn good reason they’re called “personal.” Even MJE and the OB&C don’t share a computer, however our emails are of absolutely no interest to anyone, even the recipients.

No matter who wins or loses the election, the republican pitch-forkers in congress will surely conduct endless hearings, grandstanding and wasting untold amounts of time and (our) money, trying to nail clinton’s electronic entrails to the wall instead of governing the country. Hey, they may even vote for her just so they can impeach her!

You heard it here first.

The only upside to this is if the conald does become president of the united states he’ll be as stuck as the rest of us and whatever idiotic ideas he might or might not have had to “make america great again” will be put on indefinite hold. But even better than that will be the spectacle of trump, having achieved the status of the most powerful person on the planet (in real life, not in his alternative universe) realizing too late that now he can’t get what he wants when he wants it like he could in the old days. SAD.

conald and co.

Okay, so MJE and the OB&C were having dinner with friends the other night…it was a 4-4 tie politically. MJE knew that going in and thought I’d just keep my powder dry and wait for someone else to launch the first salvo. My good pal grinapple stepped up to the plate within minutes…a lifelong repub (although his father served as a high ranking member of jimma carter’s admin), he is a well-educated, thoughtful, caring person as well as being a raconteur of the highest order in typical southern tradition. He doesn’t like the conald but he can’t stand shrillary and he he is desperate to see the fetid governmental swamp in washington drianed. He put forth an argument that there have been unprepared, inexperienced people elected president in the past but that they governed responsibly by selecting capable, thoughtful, professional governmental veterans to advise and tutor them.

With that in mind, let’s take a look at the people with whom the conald has surrounded himself, a motley crew to be sure. Let’s start with his most trusted confidants and advisers the children of the corn (COTC) (see: Stephen King 1984 Thriller): ivanka, conald jr. and eric, offspring from his first marital foray. Unusual move, but they share his values and ethics so that’s something.

Next up we have corey lewandowski, a former bar bouncer (unverified but with the conald we live in a fact free zone and the core-man sure looks the part) whom he named as his original campaign manager. Perfect choice, as he had no experience running a political campaign, much less at the presidential level, just like his boss. He did however once work for a congressman ney who ended up in the clink over involvement in the abramoff scandal. He was also arrested and charged for bringing a loaded handgun (in his laundry bag) into the longworth house office building. Hey, I’m down with that, I always pack heat when I do my laundry (in my office). Plus he’s polish and we know what a sweet tooth the conald has for those eastern europeans…

After the COTC staged an intervention in the hopes that they might get big daddy to step back from the ledge and start acting like a real presidential contender instead of a deranged hamster, he reluctantly pivoted, sacked the core-man and took on kellyanne conway as campaign manager. An experienced operative, and one heck of a smiler, she is a perfect counterpoint to the conald’s perpetually pursed lips and scowling countenance. God help that poor wretch, imagine what her job is like…desperately trying to reason with the equivalent of an hormonally imbalanced temper tantrum-prone teenager who is fully prepared to burn down the house rather than clean his room.

Next up we have steve bannon, who is the “chief executive” of the conald’s campaign and who is also the chief executive of breitbart news, an organization that is on a perpetual witch hunt for voter fraud. But in a case of breathtaking irony, mr b is registered to vote at a house in florida which is abandoned and due to be demolished. Prior to that he registered himself using his ex-wife’s address, where he never lived…both residences happen to be in highly contested precincts in florida. Bannon is the conald whisperer hissing into his ear that should he lose it will be because of widespread voter fraud and a rigged system, something about which he knows.

Last but not by any means least we have roger ailes, who was recently forced to resign as head of fox news over multiple allegations (and a lawsuit) of sexual misconduct and who now has joined the campaign as an advisor. Frankly, MJE considers the mere sight of his repulsive mug as sexual harassment, which makes him a perfect ba-da-bing to the conald’s ba-da-bang whoever, wherever, whenever.

In electing the conald as president MJE likens it to trying to effect radical change to a dysfunctional mental health system by throwing out the experienced, but ineffective administrator and appointing the craziest inmate you can find to run the joint.