my jaundiced eye

grope a dope

MJE is extremely sorry about the long lapse since the last post but I am virtually paralyzed by an election cycle so bizarre that even MJE’s twisted mind could not conjure it up. WTF is going on in this nutso country? How did our much lauded democratic landscape devolve into a huge septic field full of exactly what one would expect to find there. And worse, ever the gimlet eyed realist, MJE sees this fecal swamp expanding faster than the louisiana coastline is disappearing, and I fear that the toxic level of anger and resentment that the american populace seems to harbor against one another isn’t likely to dissipate come November 9.

That said, there is enough gallows humor to put a smile on even rudy giuliani’s disturbingly frightening bug eyed mug. When surrogates like rudy and newt start hopping on their high horses about fidelity and trust you really do begin to think you are living in the upside down, (see: Netflix: stranger things) an alternate reality that is a very dark and dangerous replication of the real thing. A world in which a man running for president of the united states can create a fact-free bubble in which everything he claims to be true is belied by what has actually transpired and verified either by his own words or by those of witnesses, yet is still swallowed snout to tail by his unquestioning followers.

Sorry, was trying to find something humorous in this scenario…stop. RESET.

Let’s take the debates…no seriously…take them, please. As I write this, I am watching the conald rant and rave over the allegations that shrillary was given the questions and answers for her debate with bernie, in advance, something which the conald is whining NEVER happened to him. :( No shite sherlock…what sane person would provide you with the garbled, irrational word salad that constituted your “answers”?

Let’s just relive a few of the agonizingly erratic, uninformed and mind bogglingly unhinged responses the conald provided when he wasn’t lurching around the stage like a guy looking for his glasses, until finally settling in so close behind shrillary that they might have been jammed in a crowded subway car.

Q: mr trump, what specific plans do you have to alleviate the wealth gap between the super rich and the poor of this country?

A: benghazi

Q: mr trump, could you please elaborate?

A: emails

Q: mr trump, how could a person who describes himself as the greatest deal-maker of all time manage to lose almost a billion dollars in one year in a rising real estate market?

A: isis

Q: mr. trump, you dismiss your incredibly disgusting, misogynistic comments about assaulting women as “locker room” talk? Have you ever actually been in a locker room?

A: Hell no! Are you kidding? Do you know how many athlete foot germs there are in a place like that? I wouldn’t go into a locker room if it were the only place on earth where I could grope a woman without witnesses! I mean look at my physique, do I look like someone who wastes my precious time in a gym?

Q: mr trump, after your having disparaged hispanics, muslims, immigrants, women, veterans, gold star families and the republican establishment (so far), how do you think that there are enough voters left in the country to get you elected?

A: Stupid question. Really stupid. You are a total loser moderator. But I’ll answer it since I’m stuck here for 90 minutes anyway. If I can get away without paying federal income tax for almost two decades, very publicly cheat on my wife, describe my daughter as “a nice piece of ass,” gloat about my ability to sexually assault women without consequence, declare bankruptcy six times and stiff hundreds of contractors and small businesses, illegally fund my campaign from my eponymous 5013c non profit foundation to which I haven’t actually donated in years, renege on a promise to contribute to a veterans support organization (until publicly shamed and then reluctantly contributing with funds from said foundation that had actually been received from other non-profits), have all of my crappy trump label suits, ties, sans-a-belt slacks, jock straps, support hose, and mens’ anklet golf socks made in china and cambodia while convincing my zombie followers that I will bring jobs back to america, then trust me, I can be elected president. I promise you.

burkinis

Summer is thankfully over but the lingering question for MJE is: What the hell is with those cheese eating surrender monkeys in france and their burkini ban??? MJE hasn’t been to a beach in years but from past recollections of the surf and sand set I would personally REQUIRE all bathers, male and female, to wear burkinis! Holy cow, the sheer mass of unattractive flesh gathered on any given piece of beach is enough to make me want to gouge my eyes out.

But back to burkinis…do the frenchie gendarmes de plage seriously think that these heavily swathed women are all hiding bombs underneath those yards of rayon? First of all, have they never witnessed the cling phenomenon when your clothes get wet…see: wet tee-shirt contests, or en francais, les concours des tee-shirts mouilles? Mon dieu! It’s like fricking shrink wrap! Short of the exposure of actual flesh there ain’t nothing that doesn’t show, including presumably any bulky suicide vests you might be wearing.

So if women choose not to expose their cellulite and muffin tops, who cares? Surely, between the secular population’s penchant for way too itsy-bitsy bikinis which cover rien and icky squeaky speedos showing off trop de teeny weenies, there’s more than enough flesh to be seen all over the french coastlines.

MJE says it’s time to let the burkettes enjoy their muhammad-given right to cover up and for the french to shut up.

shrillary

MJE gave the conald the what-for in the last post so in the interest of being fair and balanced I am training my sights on shrillary. There is so much to “unpack” there as the news nerds like to opine, but I really have just one fundamental question for her: why the hell didn’t she get a fricking face lift before she started running for president????

Did she think it would make her seem overly concerned about her appearance at the expense of being taken seriously? That it was too “girly”? WTF, look at john boehner and his man tan. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass what anybody thinks, he’s going orange or he’s going home. Or the conald for god’s sake, that comb over has enough product in it to meet the building code in tampa. You think he cares what people think, hell no, because he knows that everyone in the world, in the world, thinks his hair is great looking, so great looking.

But it’s not too late… if she gets elected, MJE thinks she damned well deserves to have a little work done. She’s got three months between election day and the inaugural, plenty of time for the swelling and bruising to go down. And I think everyone would applaud her bold move. I know I would. Aren’t we supposed to be in a post feminist world, whatever the hell that means. Listen, just because she’s the first female american president doesn’t mean she has to be a dead ringer for angela merkel, crap isn’t it enough that they obviously share a closet?

I know there are people who really just want her in shackles (better get XL, have you seen those ankles?) and hauled off to jail just because she’s a technoanderthal and couldn’t face having to figure out another whole email and phone thing. I am so with you sister, I’m asking santa for one of those jitterbug phones with the really big buttons that does nothing but make telephone calls. But I guess you can’t have one of those when you are secretary of state or president. So kick it old school, with real hand-written communications. After all we have the crazy amazing USPS at our beck and call, one forever stamp and done. Yes, the world crises may take a bit longer to be resolved but what’s a year or two in the great scheme of things? And, bonus points, you can blame the postmaster general if the entire middle east blows up.

But I guess MJE does have to address the nagging questions of shillary’s unfavorability/ untrustworthiness ratings…well you got me there. She reminds me of my hard-ass boarding school housemother, but with really elastic ethics. Mrs. Bumwad unfortunately never gave an inch when it came to everything from the dress code to the honor code. I know MJE speaks for the entire st. adnoid’s student population in saying that an occasional blind eye to misdeeds would have been greatly appreciated. Getting away with something you shouldn’t is a terrific morale booster as well as a great team builder. That’s probably why people working for shrillary are so loyal. AAA+ rating on glass door!

So the bottom line is: in this election cycle, if shrillary is elected, we have some hope but probably not much change. If not we’ll have plenty of change but little hope.

shrillary vs the conald

Okay for better or worse we’ve got our candidates: shrillary vs the conald. A hobson’s choice: sane but shifty or daft and dangerous. MJE is definitely more comfortable with a candidate who shades the truth (like who doesn’t every once in a while, seriously) than with someone who occupies an alternative reality: crooked hillary or demented donald.

But apparently the conald’s supporters have been over-served the koo-koo koolaid and stand behind him despite his seeming total ignorance of world events, his enmity toward people of different skin tones or religious affiliations and thinner skin than a spanish onion.

But let’s us give conald, credit where credit is due, he as a master at feeding his supporters just the right amount of pre-digested political pablum for them to intellectually absorb. His “solution” to every problem is reduced to as few monosyllabic words as possible, “build a wall,” “ban muslims,” “deport illegal aliens.” MJE’s suspects that the conald’s phraseology kills two birds with one stone: satisfies the appetite for simplistic solutions and allows the conald to get away without having to provide substantive answers to the country’s problems. And according to him, when the conald peers down from the tippy top of trump tower his view is of a country that has nothing but problems.

And poor mike pence (words I never thought would pass my lips), every time I see him standing behind trump he looks like he’s passing a kidney stone. But hey, he chose to throw his morals and christian values under the trump jumbo jet for the sake of….uhhh, what? Mike, Mike, Mike, ask yourself WWJD? So MJE’s sympathies are somewhat wan. Hey, if you hitch your political wagon to an egomaniacal stupid head whose sole raison d’etre seems to be to elevate himself to an object of unconditional adulation from the unthinking masses, well then my man you two are headed for the same special place in hell.

The conald has perverted the notion of the politician’s mantra of self-sacrificing public service to one of self-serving brand promotion.

Or is MJE just another loser who doesn’t get it?

from russia with love

Okay, so yesterday the conald suggested that maybe the ruskies could find hill’s missing emails since they seem to be great! hackers. But MJE has a much better idea, how about they dig up the conald’s tax returns so we can all see how much russia means to his bottom line.

However, the conald seems to have an on again off again relationship with vlad (who, by the way was named for vlad the impaler, the figure upon whom dracula was based, which may or may not be true but since the conald has invited us into his fact free zone, enjoy). Last year the conald said that he and vlad were bff’s because they were both on the same 60 minutes broadcast. Nevermind the fact that the interviews were conducted on different continents. I guess in the conald’s mind if you are on a segment of a tv show that also has a segment on another person, then you both must in fact have been in the same place at the same time. And that you know one another. Really well.

That thought process reminds me of a discussion I heard on the radio about how literally children think. A psychologist related a story about a child flying for the first time who turned to her mother after take off and asked her when they were going to get tiny. It makes perfect sense, she sees airplanes in the sky and they are tiny…MJE agains turns to the good book for an apt quote “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I set aside childish ways.” (1 corinthians 13:11) Bless his ever-loving soul, I guess the conald just isn’t quite there yet.

But now the conald seems to have dropped vlad like a hot bowl of borscht, he said yesterday that not only does he not know him, but he doesn’t even know who he is…I will be the first to stand up and state that the conald has the intellectual curiosity of an eggplant but I will give him credit for at least knowing the name of the thug that runs russia. After all, several years ago the conald sold his (GREAT!!) russian miss universe pageant to one of vlad’s oligarch pals for a fat wad of rubles and even personally tweeted vlad an invite to the extravaganza. Sadly vlad was busy impaling a couple of ukrainians that night and couldn’t make it. But he did send the conald a nice thank you gift.

So, heads up you ruskie computer nerds, quit playing pacmaninoff and get to work! If you can hack the DNC and the departments of state and defense then why not the IRS for god’s sake. Just do it! We need to end this freak show and put the conald in america’s communal email trash can where he belongs.

be careful what you wish for

Praise the lord (as I suppose the conald has been doing a lot lately since being born again…too bad it wasn’t in another country and century) the GOP convention has finally come to an end. And not a moment too soon, if MJE had to hear from one more cretin in a funny hat yammering on about how the conald is the only savior for what ails this god forsaken country I would seriously consider puncturing my own ear drums.

Ted Cruz’s speech was a barn burner, unfortunately it was his own barn. He’s as slimy and self-serving a politico as I have ever had the misfortune to watch, with an ego that can go toe to toe with the conald’s. His self-absorbed rant about people voting their values and conscience accomplished what four grueling days of the convention could not, actually making the conald look human. However, that’s a parlor trick you really can trot out just once because digging your own political grave while simultaneously elevating even further the biggest narcissistic gasbag in memory can’t be topped.

Now we know for certain that the conald is the ONLY person in this country who can solve the devastating conditions that plague our nation because he told us so. I must not have been paying attention because the landscape doesn’t look nearly as bleak as the conald described. But then again MJE always walks on the sunny side of the street, unless someone who looks sort of foreign happens to come along, then I hot foot it to the dark side until the threat passes. But if he’s right then my guess is that once inaugurated his first order of business (after gold plating all of the WH bathroom fixtures) will be to set up a cabinet post to design our own Hunger Games.

And poor Mike Pence, I never thought I would feel sorry for a guy who is straight out of central casting as a nazi storm trooper. He really must be one hellova needy individual to hitch his wagon to a sleaze ball who embodies the polar opposite of his purported principles, ideals and (christian) values, a man who’s ethics, if any, are as malleable as the filler in melamia’s lips. Mike, you sure better hope that jesus saves because buddy you are going to need it after making this faustian bargain.

I am guessing that as we have seen, the conald’s family will be very involved in his administration. Obviously, Ivanka has the chief of staff post nailed down and maybe head of the joint chiefs too. Eric is looking good for secretary of commerce, what with his business acumen selling trump wines to trump owned businesses. Tiffany’s a tough call, hmm, how about head of health and human services, she can be in charge of government-produced work out videos and testing new beauty products. Conald junior puts on a pretty swell show, got the swagger down, seems serious….how about ambassador to nato. Scratch that, forgot we don’t need nato. Then secretary of defense seems like a good slot for him, MJE is sure that he will be the steady hand and cool head when dear old dad gets pissed off and stomps off to the situation room with the nuclear codes.

Melania will have lots of time to fine-tune her sultry demeanor. Being first lady and running the white house is nothing compared to having to stay one step ahead of those wily trump kids.

sterno

MJE lost a great friend last week, my pal, sterno. And yes MJE DOES have friends, some. But it’s not a very deep bench so when one of them isn’t here anymore it’s sort of like losing a continent. “What the what, where the hell did Australia go?” The world just doesn’t seem quite right.

There’s a hole in it.

Sterno was an amazing guy, and not just because his hair came into the room a full ten seconds before the rest of him. Word is he used to light firecrackers in it in college, but I could be wrong. He was one of those glass half full people (not the annoying kind) but not just half full, I’m talking filled to the top (with Bud Light would be my guess). Now MJE knows that not every one of sterno’s days was a day at the beach on the redneck riviera but he sort of made you imagine that it could be. And he was a walk the walk (or limp the hike) kind of guy…every day was the perfect day for hitting the trail or the river or bayou. Sterno had more kayaks than the OB&C has egg poachers (what can I say, he had an egg poacher thing for awhile). He would jam the back of his bad ass macho truck with those kayaks, and paddles and life vests and refreshments and sunscreen and bug spray and any other thing anyone might need, and that was that. All the work was done, just have to enjoy.

He’d lead hikes all over the mountains too, probably to a lot of places he’d really seen enough of, for people he didn’t even know or probably want to, most of whom didn’t appreciate it either. And no hiker on any of sterno’s treks ever got lost (well, maybe a time or two, but some people just can’t follow directions) or left behind. Sterno was like a brood hen with her chicks; the old, the lazy, the slow walkers, the cell phone talkers, the country clubbers, the low lifes, even the wine drinkers, for god’s sake, (and that last bunch is a handful I can tell you) he kept track of them all.

Then there were the good deeds (not the annoying kind)…trail tending, cooking up a storm for righteous causes, bird watcher watching, and plenty more that MJE doesn’t even know about, and frankly can’t imagine because I don’t do that altruistic stuff.

Sterno’s wonderful wife jellybean (who normally behaves in a sterling fashion, except there was that one time the OB&C and MJE got her snockered at our oyster party and she fell asleep in the grocery parking lot on the way home) is gonna have a rough time, but she’s a pretty tough cookie, and unlike MJE, her friend bench is loaded.

So good bye sterno, dear friend, MJE’s world is literally darker without you.

born again

MJE just heard that the conald has been born again. Holy crap wasn’t once enough?? If KRST (beaming from macon ga, 88.3 on your radio dial) can be believed, this time as an evangelical christian. Well played conald, all of your sins are forgiven, at least by almighty god. But MJE bets there are more than a few drywall hangers and carpet layers who are not quite there yet, having been summarily flushed down the economic toilet when you declared one of your four bankruptcies. Conald’s “conversion” sort of reminds me of the paraprosdokian, “ I asked god for a bike but I know he doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked for forgiveness.”

Just to clarify, this is the same conald who not too long ago spoke at liberty university, not to be confused with trump university. Although to be fair MJE is not familiar with the comparative curricula of the two institutions, nor the benefits of either on one’s resume. Liberty is one of those creepy fonts of (oxymoron alert!) baptismal intellectual knowledge where politicians routinely grovel for the evangelical vote. The conald launched his speech with the famous “two corinthians “ quote from the good book. I thought he was about to start a joke….”so 2 corinthians walk into a bar…” but no, he was dead serious and prattled on in the most cringe worthy example of political pandering that MJE has ever had the misfortune to witness. As the blessed student body sat in somewhat befuddled silence he actually asked for reassurance from the assembled flock that the biblical passage he had chosen was a winner, “this is the one you like, right?” Conald, stop before you kill again!!!

But all that has now been dumped into heaven’s septic tank of sin. Poof! Gone. The conald is now as pure as the new driven snow. Therefore MJE is assuming that whatever comes out of the conald’s mouth from here on is verily the word of god. FYaweh, better bring your A game because bringing jesus back from the dead is chump change compared to keeping the conald on the one true path.

Jeremiah 9:23-24

Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”

Amen. And good luck with that.

trexit

The conald has a real knack for being in the right place at the right time… in scotland on the historic day of britain’s decision to leave the european union. As we all know, the conald is the ultimate optimist, always looking on the sunny side of the street and so characteristically remarked that brexit is actually a great thing because he’ll make more money! It makes the dollar stronger making it more affordable for americans to come to his golf courses there! Leave it to the donald to put his private financial gain first and foremost over the disruption of the personal lives of the people of europe and the interconnected economies of world.

Initially I thought he might be going abroad to finally get a clue about foreign relations and diplomacy. But why would he do that, he already knows all he needs to from watching the national geographic channel and anthony bourdain scuttling around the world eating weird stuff. Nope he went to scotland to kick some scottish ass from their ancestral homes to make more room for his golf courses. Those poor folks were bamboozled by the conald sales pitch about how great this would be for their local economies, and how everyone would get good jobs and maybe even some big tips as waiters or caddies. Once the deal was done, he elbowed his way into these quaint towns, treated the locals like they didn’t exist and became by all accounts a classic nuisance neighbor, erecting huge walls on the property lines, and ignoring their landowner rights. He even managed to get the scottish government to amend their plan for a wind farm because the turbines would ruin the golfers’ view. Talk about international negotiation street cred!

As they say, Fore! warned, is forearmed, but sadly the scottish citizens and their governmental representatives did not do the proper due diligence about the broken promises that accompany most trump ventures; the string of bankruptcies that left a trail of unpaid contractors, ruined small businesses and blighted unfinished projects. But don the con always comes out on top (and dodges all the debts via chapter 11) because he’s “a great businessman.” MJE is flabbergasted that the very people who are voting for him are the same hard working people that he crushes every time he declares bankruptcy,

MJE moves for a trexit, ASAP. Who’s with me?

trump r us

If you have been living in a cave for the past six months and are unaware of the political goings-on in this great country of ours then you be one fortunate son of bitch, take my word for it. You might want to squat on a rock for this newsflash: republicans have now officially chosen an APPRENTICE, not for some two-bit internship in amazon’s shipping department, nooooooo, but for their nominee for president of the united states. Yeah man, you heard me right, Donald J. Trump is, in the hearts and minds (such as they are), of a majority of the conservative electorate, considered by his supporters to be the absolute best person in the whole fricking country to be our head of state and commandeer-in-chief! So unless you are a glutton for punishment I’d crawl right back in your cozy burrow, sharpen your crayons and try to distract yourself with a mural or two. Consider yourself lucky, unless you have cable in there.

As noted in MJE’s last post, dt doesn’t seem to have the psychological constitution to either solicit or take advice from others, nor to react positively should someone suggest that he could possibly be off his goddam rocker. “Get em outta here!” would be his probable response to say the secretary of defense or another head of state. Not much of a team player from what I can tell. Too bad he forgot his 6^th grade civics class lessons on the make up of the u.s. government. Unlike being a CEO of a self-promotion empire, he’ll need to work with 535 members of congress, none of whom is in his employ nor subject to his whims and simplistic notions of governance. So good luck with that.

As for the shell-shocked republican congressmen and women, it has been hilarious watching them tie their tracheas in knots struggling to distance themselves from trump while at the same time attempting not to alienate the staggering number of crackpots who support him. They spout claptrap like they’ll vote for him but not endorse him, or they won’t attend the convention to thumb their noses at their nominee, or weasel by with the “I will vote for the republican nominee” avoiding mentioning his name altogether.

The next round of this surreal farce will be dt’s choice of a running mate. Who in their ever-loving mind would do that to themselves? Aside from being a career killer, it would be four years of unadulterated hell. Imagine standing day after day behind a bombastic, ill informed and probably dangerous president and stoically nodding in agreement. What about having to do his hair-brained bidding when it is clearly not be in the best interests of the country, or being ridiculed or derided for voicing an opposing position. But despite those gruesome scenarios, there are always some groveling quislings who are more than happy to betray the tenets of their party and their country. Christie the bully and Palin the pinhead come to mind. As if trump isn’t frightening enough, imagine either one of those two spine-chilling contenders being one breath away from the presidency.